Risky Business
We’ve got the professionals in to answer your questions
The awesome team at NZAF Health Services are here to answer any questions you might have about sex, sexuality, gender, relationships and everything in-between. Wherever you are in NZ, click here to book free counselling or a HIV Rapid Test, results in 20 minutes!
Ask a QuestionAll Q&A (Risky Business)
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Q. Is it safe to swallow your own semen or urine?
A.View AnswerThere is no problem with swallowing your own cum, because you can’t catch HIV or any STI’s from yourself.
As for urine, unless a person has a urinary tract infection or STI, urine, itself, is sterile, so it would theoretically be safe to drink. However drinking your own urine might put strain on your kidneys because urine contains unwanted waste products from the body. If you drank it, it would have no valuable nutrients and all those waste products would need to be re-filtered back out of the blood. This would add on extra work for the kidneys, which can’t be good for you.
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Q. If you know you and your partner are clean is it safe for you both to bareback and for him to cum in side you?
A.View AnswerBy ‘clean’, we’ll assume you mean HIV-negative but we feel obliged to point out that some HIV-positive people find the term ‘clean’ offensive as it can imply that someone with HIV is dirty, and it adds to an already unacceptable level of stigma and discrimination against people living with HIV in New Zealand.
But to answer your question, no it’s not safe because you can never be 100% sure of somebody’s HIV status (or even your own status) for the following reasons:
1) It can take up to 3 months form the date of infection for HIV to show up in a test. So, even if you both tested negative yesterday, it’s possible you do have HIV and it hasn’t shown up on the test.
2) HIV is most infectious in the few weeks after somebody contracts it. So if someone contracted it a couple of weeks ago they probably won’t know because it often has no symptoms and it won’t show up that early on a test. And it is highly infectious at this stage and very easy to pass on.
3) Without being pessimistic, how can you really trust that either of you won’t have sex outside the relationship? We are human and we all know that despite monogamist ideals we sometimes slip up. How will you tell him if you had sex outside the relationship? How will he tell you? What will his response be if you suddenly suggest using condoms one night because you slipped up the other night? It’s a difficult conversation to have but it might go something like this: “Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else or that you’d had bareback sex, and to be honest about anything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
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Q. I’ve met a girl and she did oral sex to me (with condom) also I did oral sex to her. The problem is that I just found that she is a sex worker in a real famous place in in the city! I know that I have to go for a test, but I was wondering how often do sexual workers get HIV tested? Also where can I buy a home HIV test? I’m from wellington. Thanks a lot
A.View AnswerSex workers in New Zealand tend to be safe, as they are aware of the risks of HIV and other STIs and get tested regularly.
We don’t know if there’s anywhere to buy a home HIV test in New Zealand, but we wouldn’t recommend it anyway because there are a few things that could go wrong, and you might end up with a false negative or false positive result.
You can get a free HIV test from NZAF Awhina Centre, and you’ll get the results within 20 minutes. Click on the link below. -
Q. I want to have sex in a car parked in a car park. I know that public sex can be illegal but is it illegal if you're in your own car? Or just when you're exposed to the public?
A.View AnswerHaving sex in a public place is not illegal itself, unless someone complains. If you’re having sex in your car, it’s possible someone may see through the window (unless you’ve got heavy tints).
If someone does complain, cops are more likely to tell you to move along than to actually arrest you, but they technically can, so be careful.
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Q. Can you get HIV from swallowing cum?
A.View AnswerThe risk of contracting HIV from oral sex is very low. But if someone cums in your mouth there is a small risk of HIV, as HIV is present in the cum of HIV+ people. You should either spit or swallow quickly as it’s the length of time that cum is in your mouth that’s the risky part.
Having a healthy mouth reduces the risk of getting HIV, so the fact that you mouth is bleeding sometimes does increase the risk of HIV and STIs to be transmitted. We suggest you get an HIV test. Click on the link below to book a free, fast HIV test anywhere in New Zealand.
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Q. I am with a guy, we have been going out for many months now and I am sure I love him. The only thing is he likes the idea of me and him getting with other guys to have some fun, and the main thing is the fact he finds it hot for me to have unprotected sex, and I really don't feel safe with it but I don’t know how to tell him this. Please help!
A.View AnswerDon’t give in to pressure to have unsafe sex, or do anything you’re not happy about. You can say “no” and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. If it doesn’t feel right to you, that’s enough. It’s your body and nothing is as important as you own health.
If he loves you as much as you love him then he will respect your wishes. If he does put pressure on you then ask him why he wants to have unsafe sex, and check out the link below with “the top 10 lines we hear”. This can help equip you to tell him why you don’t want unsafe sex.
You should also talk to a friend about it, or call a phone counselling service such as 0800 OUTline. Often it’s good to get some outside perspective. If he really cares for you he won’t try and make you do something you don’t want to do. And if he doesn’t really care about what you want, why would you want to be with him in the first place?
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Q. I'm a top, and I'm seeing a guy who likes to be fucked without lube. I always wear a condom, but I wondered if not using lube might damage the condom or injure him (even though he prefers it)? Should I insist on using lube?
A.View AnswerYes, not using lube can increase the risk of condom breakage. And yes, it is possible that it could cause some injury for the bottom. The risk of injury or the pain/discomfort may be a turn-on for him so it might be hard to convince him to use lube on that basis. But for the sake of minimising the risk of condom breakage you should insist on using lube.
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Q. My boyfriend and I are both tops. We never have anal sex but we both love to suck each other’s cock. My boyfriend cums in my mouth and I never rinse or wash my mouth. I do have bleeding in my mouth sometimes. Is there are any risk of infection? We’ve been together for 3 years. Should I take a test? If so, where can I get a test?
A.View AnswerThe risk of contracting HIV from oral sex is very low. But if your boyfriend cums in your mouth there is a small risk of HIV, as HIV is present in the cum of HIV+ people. You should either spit or swallow quickly as it’s the length of time that cum is in your mouth that’s the risky part.
Having a healthy mouth reduces the risk of getting HIV, so the fact that you mouth is bleeding sometimes does increase the risk of HIV and STIs to be transmitted. We suggest you get an HIV test. Click on the link below to book a free, fast HIV test anywhere in New Zealand.
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Q. I have some unusual fetishes. I like scat play.......I guess what I’m trying to ask is what are the risks involved?
A.View AnswerScat is another term for faeces, and scat sex or scat play refers to using scat in sexual activities. Playing with someone’s scat is generally regarded as safe if proper protection is used (latex gloves, plastic wrap, washing with soap before and after sex), eating someone else’s scat can greatly increase one’s risk of parasitic, bacterial, and viral infections. This does not mean that eating faeces is necessarily poisonous, but it can make you very sick.
The best way to prevent infection is to make sure there is no direct oral/orifice and faecal contact.
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Q. Is it safe to swallow cum? I like to swallow my own sperm and my friend’s sperm and I like the taste. But I am afraid that it may cause a problem so please let me know if I should be worried.
A.View AnswerFirstly, there is no problem with swallowing your own cum (sperm), because you can’t catch HIV or any STI’s from yourself.
But when you swallow your friend’s cum there is a small risk of HIV, as HIV is present in the cum of HIV+ people. Either spit or swallow quickly as it’s the length of time that cum is in your mouth that’s the risky part.
Keep in mind that the lining of your mouth is strong, and saliva (spit) also contains protective properties. Having a healthy mouth reduces the risk of getting HIV. Bleeding gums, mouth ulcers, and throat infections make it easier for HIV and STIs to be transmitted. Flossing or vigorous brushing is better after the big date – not before – because it can break the skin on the gums, and who knows, you might get lucky! For fresh breath to impress try chewing gum, mints or mouthwash instead.
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Q. I'm young and I'm not openly gay so when I have sex with my neighbour I don’t have any condoms because I’m young we don't use one. Is it bad to not use condoms? My neighbour likes being top and I like being top, but he gets his way because when I'm on bottom it does not hurt because he have a normal size penis but I hit puberty early and I have a 7 incher. How do I get my neighbour to let me be top without hurting him? Lastly, what are some household objects that cause be used for lube?
A.View AnswerFirstly, we’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law in New Zealand. If you are under 16, before you do anything we suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Condoms are important because the inside of your arse has a lining that’s like a sponge. When you use a condom, cum that carries HIV or an STI can’t be absorbed into that lining and your body. You can’t assume your neighbour doesn’t have HIV just because you think “He’d tell me first” or “He’s so hot! – he can’t have HIV.” There are guys who have HIV but don’t know it yet. You can’t tell by looking at someone, you can’t tell by age or how hot his body is; guys can carry HIV for years with no knowledge or symptoms. Safe sex is easy, and the best way to keep yourself free from HIV is to use a condom and water-based lube every time you fuck. You can order free condoms and lube to be delivered to your home in a discreet, unmarked envelope by clicking on the link below. You can also get them from your local sexual health clinic.
As for being top vs. bottom, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. It’s your ass, your rules. You might consider checking out our ‘first timers’ information by clicking on the link below. It has some great tips. If you and your neighbour are over 16, you can both watch our “How To Have Anal Sex” video (also below) with great tips for how to be a top or bottom. The information in this video might make your neighbour more comfortable with the idea to try being a bottom.
As for household objects that could be used for lube… well if you’re using condoms (which you really should) then you will need water-based or silicone-based lube to prevent the condom from breaking and there aren’t any household objects that could substitute. Free condoms and lube in the mail is the best option.
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Q. I've been in a relationship with my partner for a year and 3 months and everything is going great. I'm a little bit more "adventurous" than he is and I'm getting a bit sick of the bedroom... I don't want to take him to a sauna or cruise club because there are other people there but I want to take him to a beat / cruising spot. The only thing is, I've searched all online for places around Auckland but no lists seem to come up. Do you guys have a list of well-known outdoor places?
A.View AnswerWe don’t have a list, but we’ve heard that some guys use www.squirt.org to find popular beats and cruising spots in Auckland. Keep in mind that the information on squirt is user-generated and it is unlikely to be moderated so we can’t vouch for its accuracy.
It’s all good to have some adventurous fun, but remember that beats get used by guys who aren’t necessarily connected to the gay world. So there’s a good chance you’ll meet guys who don’t know much about safe sex, HIV or other STIs. So be sure to always insist on using condoms & lube and always carry them with you.
We don’t want to sound like the fun police, but do take note that beats can be dangerous. Queer-bashers target them sometimes, or you might just be the victim of random thugs in a park at night. Police also keep an eye on them at times, especially if there are complaints from locals about too many men being too obvious in what they’re doing. Having sex in a public place is not illegal itself, unless someone complains, but if people do complain you can expect to see more police action in the area. In the past cops often used to entrap and arrest men having sex in beats – today they’re more likely to tell you where the nearest sauna or cruise club is, and expect you to go there, but if you’re caught fucking in public you can end up under arrest, so be careful.
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Q. My boyfriend and I want to have unprotected sex. It will be my first time, and every time he had sex he used a condom. Can I contract an STI from him? Should I ask him to be checked?
A.View AnswerWithout being pessimistic, you don’t know for sure that he has always used condoms despite what he tells you. If he has asked you to have sex without condoms then how do you know he hasn’t also asked others? And if he had unprotected sex before, despite not exhibiting any symptoms, he may be carrying an STI (including HIV) and pass it on. Testing for STI’s is definitely a good idea, but the only way to really relax and know that your sex is safe is to use condoms and lube every time.
Also, if you continue a sexual relationship with this guy how do you know what else he is up to? Monogamy is not something you count on as a prevention method and we certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone do so. The reality is that approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your partner, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. That you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
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Q. Can you get HIV if your partner doesn’t have it? Say two guys are going to have sex and both are virgins. Can they still get HIV from having sex unprotected?
A.View AnswerIf you are both virgins then the chances of either of you having HIV are very low, unless you’ve been in contact with infected blood at some point. So your risk of infecting one another is low. But if you start having sex without condoms, how will you keep safe over time?
Without being pessimistic, you don’t know for sure that he is a virgin despite what he tells you. Also, if you continue a sexual relationship with this guy how do you know what else he is up to? Monogamy is not something you count on as a prevention method and we certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone do so. The reality is that approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your partner, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
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Q. Is it possible to get an STI/STD or HIV if you are having bareback sex in a monogamous relationship and you’ve both tested negative for everything?
A.View AnswerYes it is possible for a couple of reasons.
First, an STI like HIV can take up to 3-months from the date of infection to show up in a test. So even if you’ve tested negative you need to take into account this 3-month ‘window period’.
Second, without being pessimistic, monogamy is not something you count on as a prevention method and we certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone do so. The reality is that approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your partner, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
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Q. I’m male and I got drunk and had unprotected sex for almost 10 min. I did not cum because after I realised what I was doing I stopped. Then I went to pee because I heard it's better and washed my penis (I'm circumcised). So what are the chances of catching HIV?
A.View AnswerRegardless of the fact that you washed your penis and had a pee afterwards, having unprotected anal sex does put you at greater risk of contracting HIV. The best thing to do is contact our friends at NZAF and arrange a FASTest - a free HIV test that takes less than 20 minutes. You can call them on 0800 80 2437. And feel free to order some free condom and lube packs to keep in your pocket - that way you can have worry-free hot sex next time. Just click on the link below
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Q. I have had several encounters with male sex workers.Only masturbation and anal fingering received. What are my risks of HIV?
A.View AnswerThe risk of contracting HIV through masturbation or fingering is really really low. If you are still concerned it may be helpful to speak to someone, the NZAF offers free nationwide counselling.
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Q. My boyfriend has HIV and I don't... If I use a condom am I safe from catching HIV?
A.View AnswerCondoms and water based lube, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV. If you have any questions about putting on a condom feel free to check out this video: http://www.getiton.co.nz/condoms-lube/how-to-put-on-a-condom/
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Q. My boyfriend is really horny. He turns 18 in a week and he only wants dick, anyone's dick. That turns me on but worries me. What is happening to us? And what can we do about it?
A.View AnswerThe best thing to do is talk about it with your partner and agree what you are both comfortable with. It can be an awkward conversation at first but it sounds like one you need to have. Do you want monogamy? Do you want to let each other have sex outside the relationship? What are the limits? There’s no right or wrong answer here - the most important thing is that you are both happy with what you decide.
Be sure to use condoms and lube every time - even with each other. You could have a conversation like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
Lastly, our friends at NZAF have a free counseling service so you might like to consider talking to them about it (you can visit the counselors individually or as a couple). You can call NZAF on 0800 802437 to make an appointment.
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Q. My boyfriend enjoys oral but whenever I give it to him he cums in my mouth. It tastes like off milk - is there anything he can eat to make it taste better?
A.View AnswerFirstly, you don’t have to let him cum in your mouth if you don’t like it. It’s not uncommon for guys to warn you when they’re about to cum and give you the option to take it in your mouth or not. If he’s not all that thoughtful you might consider letting him know how it tastes by holding it in your mouth and then kissing him. He might realise it’s a bit gross and think twice about it next time.
If you like having him cum in your mouth but just don’t like the taste, there are a few options. We’ve heard pineapple (real, not canned) works particularly well. There’s also some great ideas here: http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/sexual-health/73298-how-make-your-cum-taste-better.html
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Q. I had sex with a random guy about 2 weeks ago. He was a bit older than me. We used a condom and lube and all that and I was on the bottom. Unfortunately the condom broke right when he came and he came inside me. He apologised and insisted that he is clean. Obviously that means nothing. And I know HIV won't show up in a blood test for atleast 3 months so I'm unsure what to do in the mean time... is there is anything I should be doing?
A.View AnswerYou can get tested right away and you can do so by calling our friends at NZAF on 0800 802 437. 3 months is considered the international benchmark i.e. it could take up to that long for antibodies to be detected but in many cases they appear earlier. A diagnoses is possible earlier than the 3 month mark.
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Q. What are your thoughts on going to a gay sauna (e.g. Centurian). I'm worried that heaps of the guys there will have HIV/Aids and that consequentially I could get it. Are these venues suitable for younger guys say 18ish, do they attract mostly older men?
A.View AnswerSaunas can be a great way to meet other guys for sex. Some guys prefer saunas to dating sites because it’s easier to see what you’re getting - no-one can hide behind fake profiles or pics that are 5 years old. There’s nothing to suggest that more guys at saunas have HIV, compared to other hook-up spaces such as dating sites or beats. If you use condoms and water-based lube you don’t need to worry. As for the age thing, venues cater for guys of all ages, if you go and don’t find anyone you want to hookup with, then that’s fine, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
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Q. I have had sex with an unknown girl. I met her in a club then we came home and I fucked her without a condom. It's the first time I've had sex without a condom and I'm not sure about that girl. She has had sex before and she was telling me that she has also fucked unprotected once with another guy...I am afraid now :( Could I have HIV ?? Please help I'm 21 and she is 18.
A.View AnswerIf you’ve had unprotected sex then there is an increased chance of contracting HIV and other STIs such as syphilis and Hepatitis C. If you are concerned we suggest you call our friends at NZAF on 0800 802437 and book a free FASTest for HIV, syphilis and Hepatitis C. One painless finger prick is all they need from you, and within 10-20 minutes you will have your test results. Appointments can be booked anytime Monday to Friday, between 9am and 5pm.
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Q. My girlfriend wants to have anal sex and i'm willing to but we don't want to use a condom and get caught so, no condom. What can happen if I cum in her butt?
A.View AnswerWe’re not sure what you mean by getting caught - if you mean that you’re worried someone will find the used condom in the trash then you could always flush it down the toilet (don’t tell MetroWater we said that). Regardless, we recommend you use a condom because unprotected anal sex is by far the riskiest sexual activity, around 20 times riskier than vaginal sex.
Your dick is very vulnerable when it comes to STIs. It’s the moist lining inside the dick eye (the little hole at the end) and under your foreskin if you’re uncut that allows STIs to enter your body. And then there’s her arse - the lining of the arse is like a sponge that easily absorbs STIs. Condoms are the way to go.
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Q. Hey, I'm a virgin and am contemplating hiring a male escort for sex. What are your thoughts on this? Also If I do go through with it and we both wear condoms, do you think I’ll be safe? (disease wise).
A.View AnswerHi, we are not here to judge anybody for who they have sex with, what we do care about is that whenever you have (hopefully awesome) sex you are using condoms & lube, and therefore safe from HIV and other STIs. The first time you have anal sex can BE a long and difficult process, and to ensure you are safe, it is not something you should rush. Whoever your first partner is, be sure it is someone you can communicate with, and who with whom you can be confident and relaxed. For more info check out our First Timers guide http://www.getiton.co.nz/great-sex-safe-sex/first-timers/
