All Q&A (Hooking Up)
Q. I'm a young guy who is bisexual. Although I have already experimented with females, I am now wanting to hook up with some guys. I have friends at schools all over Auckland but I don't know anyone that is gay or bisexual so I can't meet and experiment with them. What do you suggest I do if I am wanting to meet some gay guys who are looking for fun and not a relationship?A.
If you’re wanting to meet other young people like you, you could look at joining one of the groups at Rainbow Youth (link below). These guys aren’t necessarily looking for fun, but the groups are a safe place to make friends and you never know who you’ll meet.
If you’re over 18, you can try hook-up sites such as Bro Online or Manhunt and mobile phone apps such as Grindr. You should read our guidelines to hooking up online so you can stay safe (link below).
Q. I'm in to guys and I chat to guys online. We start talking about meeting then I get horny so I wank but once I have ejaculated I don't want to meet up and I'm not interested any more. I make an excuse to get out of it until when I'm horny again and I want to meet up etc and the same thing happens. Is there something I can do to fix this?A.
The anticipation to having sex can be very exciting and it is natural to not be excited once you have ejaculated. You could try and refrain from wanking before you meet up and one way to do this could be to set a date where you meet somewhere in public for your first meeting. This will give you time to get to know the person before you have sex.
Q. Where in Palmerston north can I go to find boys? I am 18 years old.
Q. I want to have sex in a car parked in a car park. I know that public sex can be illegal but is it illegal if you're in your own car? Or just when you're exposed to the public?A.
Having sex in a public place is not illegal itself, unless someone complains. If you’re having sex in your car, it’s possible someone may see through the window (unless you’ve got heavy tints).
If someone does complain, cops are more likely to tell you to move along than to actually arrest you, but they technically can, so be careful.
Q. Every time I hook up with someone if they are good looking I tend to get hooked on them very quickly and then hold hopes for more to happen even though I know they were a one nighter. I just don’t know how to put up a wall and stop these attractions coming through. Also I’ve just been told I have chlamydia. It was my first ever sexual health check and so I have no idea how long I’ve had this or who I may/may not have passed this on to.....what recommendations would you suggest? I’m 23 and have had many sexual experiences, yet feel really ashamed and embarrassed to txt/call people telling them to go get checked because I got it.....help?!A.
First, the feelings of attraction you feel with hook-ups and your desire for more are not unusual. In fact a relationship can develop from a one-night stand if you are both into each other and keen for more. You don’t need to put up a wall but you do need to pay attention to the signals. If you’ve hooked up with a guy you’re keen on, and you’ve been messaging / texting him but things aren’t going anywhere then it’s pretty clear he’s not interested in more and you should move on. But if he’s keen to keep meeting up and you get a good vibe, then it’s worth suggesting something more – ask him out for a drink or a coffee. Get to know him. Who knows where it could go.
Second, your chlamydia issue. Auckland Sexual Health Services recommends that you notify sexual partners yourself, but if you can’t do it then you can provide the nurse with a list of contact details and they will anonymously notify your sexual partners for you. If you don’t live in Auckland we recommend contacting your local free sexual health service and asking if they have a similar service.
Q. I’m 18 years old and bi. Every time I'm having sex (with another man) or just masturbating I feel great, but at the time of ejaculation I feel so disgusted and guilty! I'm so confused please help?A.
This happens to most guys and is simply because of the hormones released during sex and when you cum. When you’re fucking (or jerking off) your body is in an excited state and under the influence of substances increasing your sexual desire and pleasure. When you cum endorphins are released - this is basically the natural “pleasure drugs” our body produces. That’s why it feels so good. When your orgasm is finished, the nervous system releases other hormones having the effect of cooling your libido down and relaxing you.
The bad feeling is partly caused by the substances released after orgasm and their efficiency varies from one person to another. If their effect on the organism is light, you get a relaxed feeling, but if it is stronger, it can make you feel depressed or guilty.
It is a perfectly normal state, and there is little you can do about it; that’s just how your body reacts.
Try to accept it as it is, and consider it is only a temporary feeling. And don’t forget that the pleasure of fucking or jerking off is normally worth it, so it isn’t that much of a dark world, after all.
Q. I hooked with a distant mate at a bar. We both were sexually attracted to each other for a while. He kept on pushing and pushing.... and at the toilets I gave him a blowjob (after much convincing on his part). He kept on pushing me to go deeper but I couldn't take it all in and it made me gag! I’m not a huge fan of blowjobs but I thought I’d try my best to be!!! He’s stopped bugging me now....won't call, no more pushing me...am I that bad? He did come in my mouth but he never called back or asked me for a hook up again!A.
We can’t really speculate on why your mate hasn’t been in touch with you. But you certainly shouldn’t take it as a personal rejection – he has his reasons for not wanting more than a one-off encounter and those reasons likely have more to do with him than you.
It sounds like the event is causing some anxiety that may still be affecting you. It is not uncommon to feel a little rejected in these situations so it is important that you talk to a professional who can help you work through it. You can contact NZAF on 0800 80 2437 to make an appointment with one of their free counsellors, or click on the link below.
Q. Is there such a thing as being overly sexually active? Lately it’s become quite overwhelming… I have sex with three different people in one day. Everyone keeps telling me I’m weird because I don’t want a relationship. I just prefer sex with people I will never meet again (or with fuck buddies). Am I normal or do I need help?A.
Each individual has their own specific sex drive and preferences for how to meet their sexual needs. Additionally, people meet their needs for intimacy in different ways. If having sex with three people a day meets those needs and does not interfere with the rest of your life and you find fulfilment in it, then it is not a problem. It is only a problem if your sexual habits infringe on other areas of your life or you decide it is a problem. If you do not want a relationship and are happy with how things are going then you have found what works for you. Just because others do not understand or disapprove it doesn’t lessen the value it adds to your life. Again it is only an issue if you think it is one, not your friends.
“Normal” sexuality is anything that is meaningful, fulfilling and enjoyable that does not harm others or the individual engaging and covers a vast spectrum of activities, types of partners, numbers of partners, types of sex acts and much more. Do not let someone else with a narrow definition of what sexual behaviour should look like define things for you.
However, if you are not satisfied with what you are experiencing then it is a problem that you can discuss with any sex positive counsellor, including those from NZAF (see link below).
Q. I'm a transman, and I'm gay... How can I negotiate this when I'm hooking up with people? I want sex, but I don't want a boyfriend. Gay guys are all about the cock, but I have to strap mine on. I worry I'm going to get beat up if I go cruising or out to bars and go home with the wrong guy.A.
The issue here is one of disclosure. Do you disclose? How do you disclose? The reality is that if you’re hooking up for sex then at some point he’s going to notice, so you want to decide whether or not to disclose beforehand.
Here are some thoughts from the website http://www.queertransmen.org (click on the link below for more info):
If you decide to disclose, here are some things to consider:
• Are you in a space that is comfortable and/or physically and emotionally safe?
• Can you easily leave the situation?
• Are you prepared to educate someone who might not know a lot about trans people?
If disclosure goes badly:
• Do you have a place to go or can you leave the situation safely?
• Do you have support from friends or family?
• Can you deal with possible sexual/emotional rejection?
If you’re cruising for guys in a bar or venue it can be hard to have conversations that could allow you to bring up the subject. If you decide to disclose, you could try online hookup sites such as Manhunt or Grindr which allow you to advertise what you are looking for and be open about your identity, that way you are likely to meet men who are open and willing to meet you.
Q. I’m wondering if you guys had any strategies for getting over a negative sexual experience. I'm 18, got too drunk and went home with some much older guy. I didn't really want to do anything sexual but I thought it'd be more mature of me to do so. I was drunk and tired and didn't say no. I’ve been feeling sick about it since. I don't want it to become a permanent thorn in my mind.A.
Yes the best strategy is to talk to someone about it because you want to be able to put this behind you and not let it affect your future relationships and sex-life.
Our friends at NZAF have a fantastic free, nationwide counselling service. Just ring 0800 80 2437 or click on the link below for more info. NZAF counselling staff are professional, understanding and gay-friendly.
Q. I'm young and I'm not openly gay so when I have sex with my neighbour I don’t have any condoms because I’m young we don't use one. Is it bad to not use condoms? My neighbour likes being top and I like being top, but he gets his way because when I'm on bottom it does not hurt because he have a normal size penis but I hit puberty early and I have a 7 incher. How do I get my neighbour to let me be top without hurting him? Lastly, what are some household objects that cause be used for lube?A.
Firstly, we’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law in New Zealand. If you are under 16, before you do anything we suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Condoms are important because the inside of your arse has a lining that’s like a sponge. When you use a condom, cum that carries HIV or an STI can’t be absorbed into that lining and your body. You can’t assume your neighbour doesn’t have HIV just because you think “He’d tell me first” or “He’s so hot! – he can’t have HIV.” There are guys who have HIV but don’t know it yet. You can’t tell by looking at someone, you can’t tell by age or how hot his body is; guys can carry HIV for years with no knowledge or symptoms. Safe sex is easy, and the best way to keep yourself free from HIV is to use a condom and water-based lube every time you fuck. You can order free condoms and lube to be delivered to your home in a discreet, unmarked envelope by clicking on the link below. You can also get them from your local sexual health clinic.
As for being top vs. bottom, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. It’s your ass, your rules. You might consider checking out our ‘first timers’ information by clicking on the link below. It has some great tips. If you and your neighbour are over 16, you can both watch our “How To Have Anal Sex” video (also below) with great tips for how to be a top or bottom. The information in this video might make your neighbour more comfortable with the idea to try being a bottom.
As for household objects that could be used for lube… well if you’re using condoms (which you really should) then you will need water-based or silicone-based lube to prevent the condom from breaking and there aren’t any household objects that could substitute. Free condoms and lube in the mail is the best option.
Q. I've been in a relationship with my partner for a year and 3 months and everything is going great. I'm a little bit more "adventurous" than he is and I'm getting a bit sick of the bedroom... I don't want to take him to a sauna or cruise club because there are other people there but I want to take him to a beat / cruising spot. The only thing is, I've searched all online for places around Auckland but no lists seem to come up. Do you guys have a list of well-known outdoor places?A.
We don’t have a list, but we’ve heard that some guys use www.squirt.org to find popular beats and cruising spots in Auckland. Keep in mind that the information on squirt is user-generated and it is unlikely to be moderated so we can’t vouch for its accuracy.
It’s all good to have some adventurous fun, but remember that beats get used by guys who aren’t necessarily connected to the gay world. So there’s a good chance you’ll meet guys who don’t know much about safe sex, HIV or other STIs. So be sure to always insist on using condoms & lube and always carry them with you.
We don’t want to sound like the fun police, but do take note that beats can be dangerous. Queer-bashers target them sometimes, or you might just be the victim of random thugs in a park at night. Police also keep an eye on them at times, especially if there are complaints from locals about too many men being too obvious in what they’re doing. Having sex in a public place is not illegal itself, unless someone complains, but if people do complain you can expect to see more police action in the area. In the past cops often used to entrap and arrest men having sex in beats – today they’re more likely to tell you where the nearest sauna or cruise club is, and expect you to go there, but if you’re caught fucking in public you can end up under arrest, so be careful.
Q. I'm 18 and just got out of a relationship with my girlfriend of 1 year. The breakup had nothing to do with my sexuality. I've always, however, had this curiosity about having sex with a guy. My girlfriend was very religious, and we actually never had sex together. I recently signed up on this dating website, and started getting messages. This one guy, roughly my age, a year older, messaged me about my profile. I had just written on there about my curiosity and how I wanted to experiment. He sent me pictures and a link to his Facebook profile. He seems to respect me taking my time and being cautious; I haven’t given him my real name, email address, Facebook link, etc. The guy seems legit, and just a good bloke. Seems like maybe the right one for my first time. I plan on meeting in public first, to grab a drink. And after a chat, if I feel comfortable, just grab some more drinks to go, and take it all to a hotel room in town. I think I'm playing safe, and doing the right thing. Any advice for me as a first timer with all of this? I'm nervous, but he assures me no pressure. Seems trustworthy? I'm just looking for a second head to bounce some thoughts of here.A.
You’re right. It’s a good thing to set up the first meeting away from your home so if he’s a creep he won’t know where you live. A cafe or bar is a good idea for that first meeting. If you’re nervous, you might let a mate know what you’re doing and leave some contact details.
Don’t be heartbroken if you arrange everything online and then he doesn’t show up. Yes, he might be a cock-teasing prick, or he might have had something unavoidable come up. But it’s still just a fuck with a stranger, not the last chance in your life to find true love and happiness.
Some guys may pressure you for unsafe sex. No matter how hot he is, no matter how charming, or how much fun, you need to insist on using condoms and lube. If he fights it, walk away. There are plenty more guys online who will do the right thing and help you look after yourself and protect you from HIV.
Lastly, there’s nothing wrong with meeting up for a drink or two, but we suggest you don’t get too drunk. Your first time with another guy can be a big deal and you want to be able to remember it. Also, when you’re drunk you might not have all your wits about you, and someone could take the opportunity to try fucking you without a condom. It’s important that you stay in control and know what you’re doing to protect yourself.
Q. Where can I meet guys? I live in Napier but there isn't a place where bi and gay guys can go to find partners or talk. I tried online dating but the guys I talked to wanted unprotected sex. Where can people like me go?A.
Unfortunately there are no gay bars, saunas, or clubs in Napier. Some guys cruise for sex along the beach and Centennial Gardens. If you want to meet guys in a more social setting you could try your luck at local art gallery openings or perhaps at some pubs with visiting bands. And ZiggZagg cafe (near Clive Sq) is gay patronised. NZDating.com is used by guys in Napier and can be a good way to meet other guys. If you find some guys asking for unsafe sex perhaps you can emphasise on your profile that you are only interested in guys who use condoms and lube.
Q. I am 56 and for the first time I am really keen to have sex with another guy. Am I weird at this late stage in life and if ok where can I safely meet another guy without being exposed to weird people? Find I am dressing trying to appeal to guys too not just girls. Went to a nude beach and got freeked - it was something out of another planet. Strange guys running around trying to hit on first timers. Where to from here? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.A.
The first time for anyone regardless of your age can be new and scary. There are many ways in which guys can meet or hook up and some of them can be viewed as weird by those who do not know/understand the way things work.
Obviously you have tried meeting at a nude beach, we call these public places “beats”. Beats are used by men who want a quick and casual hook up, usually not leading to any conversations, just sex.
There are other places you could meet people, the internet is a good discreet place to meet men, you can specify what you are looking for and screen potential men that you would like to meet. NZDating and Manhunt have a good selection of men to choose from, as do mobile apps such as Grindr and Scruff.
If the internet is not for you, another good place to meet men is sex on site venues, the men who frequent these places are looking for sex but there are places in the venues for you to have coffee and a chat with someone and there is no obligation to have sex. Click on the link below for locations of sex on site venues.
If you do decide to have sex with a man there are some things you need to know – learn all about it by clicking on the ‘First Timers’ link below.
We also have condom packing on nights in all our major centres ( Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch) where you can meet men in a safe non-sex environment, where you can talk and mingle with other guys. You can find out more by clicking on the link below.
Q. I recently started having sex but I don't have a partner to have sex with and I'm only 14 and dating sites don't take that age. What do I do?A.
We know that youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out. As for where to meet other people - dating sites are not a safe way for someone your age to meet someone. If you are gay or bisexual we suggest joining a group with Rainbow Youth or another local gay youth group where you can meet like-minded young people.
Q. I have met a new man and he is HIV positive. I'm HIV negative. If I wear a condom to have anal sex with him is it safe for me?A.
Condoms and water based lube, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV. If you have any questions about putting on a condom feel free to check out this video: http://www.getiton.co.nz/condoms-lube/how-to-put-on-a-condom/
Q. My boyfriend is really horny. He turns 18 in a week and he only wants dick, anyone's dick. That turns me on but worries me. What is happening to us? And what can we do about it?A.
The best thing to do is talk about it with your partner and agree what you are both comfortable with. It can be an awkward conversation at first but it sounds like one you need to have. Do you want monogamy? Do you want to let each other have sex outside the relationship? What are the limits? There’s no right or wrong answer here - the most important thing is that you are both happy with what you decide.
Be sure to use condoms and lube every time - even with each other. You could have a conversation like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
Lastly, our friends at NZAF have a free counseling service so you might like to consider talking to them about it (you can visit the counselors individually or as a couple). You can call NZAF on 0800 802437 to make an appointment.
Q. I'm a 16yr old and would love to have a gay encounter. Is this allowed? Could I sign onto a gay dating site for guys near my age in my area or must I be 18? If so, where else would a 16yr old go to find a sexual partner?A.
At age 16 you absolutely can have gay sex. Most dating sites are R18 but have a good browse on-line, you might find some that allow 16yo members. Depending on where you are, you might like to talk to the guys at Rainbow Youth or Curious to find young gay guys in your area. Click on the links below.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
Q. I am 22yo and my girlfriend is also 22yo. We kiss and smooch. I also masturbate her vagina with my fingers. I did this several times in the last few months. The last couple of months she got her period around the 25th of the month. She was expecting her period around last week of October... But on the 21st or 22nd October I kissed her and masturbated her vagina with my fingers... she is scared since she hasn't got her period yet. Is there a possibility of pregnancy or she is not getting her period because I masturbate her just before her period date.A.
There is no possibility of pregnancy or STI transmission from masturbation or kissing, they are two really safe ways to express yourself sexually. Oral sex is also low risk for passing STI’s and has no risk of pregnancy. However, it is important to wear a condom every time you have anal or vaginal sex to protect you both from STI’s and pregnancy. If you are concerned about her getting pregnant, it’s worth going to a GP or sexual health clinic to discuss contraception with them to find something that is best for her and you.
In terms of her periods, relax - masturbation will not have an effect on them. There are lots of things like hormonal changes which can potentially impact a woman’s menstrual cycle and it’s a good idea for your girlfriend to make an appointment with her GP to talk about her issues if she’s worried. All Doctors should be very supportive & helpful to you both.
Q. My boyfriend enjoys oral but whenever I give it to him he cums in my mouth. It tastes like off milk - is there anything he can eat to make it taste better?A.
Firstly, you don’t have to let him cum in your mouth if you don’t like it. It’s not uncommon for guys to warn you when they’re about to cum and give you the option to take it in your mouth or not. If he’s not all that thoughtful you might consider letting him know how it tastes by holding it in your mouth and then kissing him. He might realise it’s a bit gross and think twice about it next time.
If you like having him cum in your mouth but just don’t like the taste, there are a few options. We’ve heard pineapple (real, not canned) works particularly well. There’s also some great ideas here: http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/sexual-health/73298-how-make-your-cum-taste-better.html
Q. I'm 14 and I want to have sex. It's very annoying. Am I too young?A.
We know that our youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
Q. What are your thoughts on going to a gay sauna (e.g. Centurian). I'm worried that heaps of the guys there will have HIV/Aids and that consequentially I could get it. Are these venues suitable for younger guys say 18ish, do they attract mostly older men?A.
Saunas can be a great way to meet other guys for sex. Some guys prefer saunas to dating sites because it’s easier to see what you’re getting - no-one can hide behind fake profiles or pics that are 5 years old. There’s nothing to suggest that more guys at saunas have HIV, compared to other hook-up spaces such as dating sites or beats. If you use condoms and water-based lube you don’t need to worry. As for the age thing, venues cater for guys of all ages, if you go and don’t find anyone you want to hookup with, then that’s fine, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Q. I have had sex with an unknown girl. I met her in a club then we came home and I fucked her without a condom. It's the first time I've had sex without a condom and I'm not sure about that girl. She has had sex before and she was telling me that she has also fucked unprotected once with another guy...I am afraid now :( Could I have HIV ?? Please help I'm 21 and she is 18.A.
If you’ve had unprotected sex then there is an increased chance of contracting HIV and other STIs such as syphilis and Hepatitis C. If you are concerned we suggest you call our friends at NZAF on 0800 802437 and book a free FASTest for HIV, syphilis and Hepatitis C. One painless finger prick is all they need from you, and within 10-20 minutes you will have your test results. Appointments can be booked anytime Monday to Friday, between 9am and 5pm.
Q. Hey, I let a stranger suck me off the other day at a glory hole, I was wearing a condom and I'm pretty sure all the cum was caught at the end of the condom. Do you think I have any risk of being infected with HIV?