Hooking Up
Top Four Q&A (Hooking Up)
All Q&A (Hooking Up)
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Q. Where can I meet guys? I live in Napier but there isn't a place where bi and gay guys can go to find partners or talk. I tried online dating but the guys I talked to wanted unprotected sex. Where can people like me go?
A.View AnswerUnfortunately there are no gay bars, saunas, or clubs in Napier. Some guys cruise for sex along the beach and Centennial Gardens. If you want to meet guys in a more social setting you could try your luck at local art gallery openings or perhaps at some pubs with visiting bands. And ZiggZagg cafe (near Clive Sq) is gay patronised. NZDating.com is used by guys in Napier and can be a good way to meet other guys. If you find some guys asking for unsafe sex perhaps you can emphasise on your profile that you are only interested in guys who use condoms and lube.
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Q. I am 56 and for the first time I am really keen to have sex with another guy. Am I weird at this late stage in life and if ok where can I safely meet another guy without being exposed to weird people? Find I am dressing trying to appeal to guys too not just girls. Went to a nude beach and got freeked - it was something out of another planet. Strange guys running around trying to hit on first timers. Where to from here? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.
A.View AnswerThe first time for anyone regardless of your age can be new and scary. There are many ways in which guys can meet or hook up and some of them can be viewed as weird by those who do not know/understand the way things work.
Obviously you have tried meeting at a nude beach, we call these public places “beats”. Beats are used by men who want a quick and casual hook up, usually not leading to any conversations, just sex.
There are other places you could meet people, the internet is a good discreet place to meet men, you can specify what you are looking for and screen potential men that you would like to meet. NZDating and Manhunt have a good selection of men to choose from, as do mobile apps such as Grindr and Scruff.
If the internet is not for you, another good place to meet men is sex on site venues, the men who frequent these places are looking for sex but there are places in the venues for you to have coffee and a chat with someone and there is no obligation to have sex. Click on the link below for locations of sex on site venues.
If you do decide to have sex with a man there are some things you need to know – learn all about it by clicking on the ‘First Timers’ link below.
We also have condom packing on nights in all our major centres ( Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch) where you can meet men in a safe non-sex environment, where you can talk and mingle with other guys. You can find out more by clicking on the link below.
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Q. I recently started having sex but I don't have a partner to have sex with and I'm only 14 and dating sites don't take that age. What do I do?
A.View AnswerWe know that youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out. As for where to meet other people - dating sites are not a safe way for someone your age to meet someone. If you are gay or bisexual we suggest joining a group with Rainbow Youth or another local gay youth group where you can meet like-minded young people.
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Q. I have met a new man and he is HIV positive. I'm HIV negative. If I wear a condom to have anal sex with him is it safe for me?
A.View AnswerCondoms and water based lube, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV. If you have any questions about putting on a condom feel free to check out this video: http://www.getiton.co.nz/condoms-lube/how-to-put-on-a-condom/
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Q. My boyfriend is really horny. He turns 18 in a week and he only wants dick, anyone's dick. That turns me on but worries me. What is happening to us? And what can we do about it?
A.View AnswerThe best thing to do is talk about it with your partner and agree what you are both comfortable with. It can be an awkward conversation at first but it sounds like one you need to have. Do you want monogamy? Do you want to let each other have sex outside the relationship? What are the limits? There’s no right or wrong answer here - the most important thing is that you are both happy with what you decide.
Be sure to use condoms and lube every time - even with each other. You could have a conversation like this:
“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”
Lastly, our friends at NZAF have a free counseling service so you might like to consider talking to them about it (you can visit the counselors individually or as a couple). You can call NZAF on 0800 802437 to make an appointment.
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Q. I'm a 16yr old and would love to have a gay encounter. Is this allowed? Could I sign onto a gay dating site for guys near my age in my area or must I be 18? If so, where else would a 16yr old go to find a sexual partner?
A.View AnswerAt age 16 you absolutely can have gay sex. Most dating sites are R18 but have a good browse on-line, you might find some that allow 16yo members. Depending on where you are, you might like to talk to the guys at Rainbow Youth or Curious to find young gay guys in your area. Click on the links below.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
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Q. I am 22yo and my girlfriend is also 22yo. We kiss and smooch. I also masturbate her vagina with my fingers. I did this several times in the last few months. The last couple of months she got her period around the 25th of the month. She was expecting her period around last week of October... But on the 21st or 22nd October I kissed her and masturbated her vagina with my fingers... she is scared since she hasn't got her period yet. Is there a possibility of pregnancy or she is not getting her period because I masturbate her just before her period date.
A.View AnswerThere is no possibility of pregnancy or STI transmission from masturbation or kissing, they are two really safe ways to express yourself sexually. Oral sex is also low risk for passing STI’s and has no risk of pregnancy. However, it is important to wear a condom every time you have anal or vaginal sex to protect you both from STI’s and pregnancy. If you are concerned about her getting pregnant, it’s worth going to a GP or sexual health clinic to discuss contraception with them to find something that is best for her and you.
In terms of her periods, relax - masturbation will not have an effect on them. There are lots of things like hormonal changes which can potentially impact a woman’s menstrual cycle and it’s a good idea for your girlfriend to make an appointment with her GP to talk about her issues if she’s worried. All Doctors should be very supportive & helpful to you both.
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Q. My boyfriend enjoys oral but whenever I give it to him he cums in my mouth. It tastes like off milk - is there anything he can eat to make it taste better?
A.View AnswerFirstly, you don’t have to let him cum in your mouth if you don’t like it. It’s not uncommon for guys to warn you when they’re about to cum and give you the option to take it in your mouth or not. If he’s not all that thoughtful you might consider letting him know how it tastes by holding it in your mouth and then kissing him. He might realise it’s a bit gross and think twice about it next time.
If you like having him cum in your mouth but just don’t like the taste, there are a few options. We’ve heard pineapple (real, not canned) works particularly well. There’s also some great ideas here: http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/sexual-health/73298-how-make-your-cum-taste-better.html
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Q. I'm 14 and I want to have sex. It's very annoying. Am I too young?
A.View AnswerWe know that our youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages. We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV. -
Q. What are your thoughts on going to a gay sauna (e.g. Centurian). I'm worried that heaps of the guys there will have HIV/Aids and that consequentially I could get it. Are these venues suitable for younger guys say 18ish, do they attract mostly older men?
A.View AnswerSaunas can be a great way to meet other guys for sex. Some guys prefer saunas to dating sites because it’s easier to see what you’re getting - no-one can hide behind fake profiles or pics that are 5 years old. There’s nothing to suggest that more guys at saunas have HIV, compared to other hook-up spaces such as dating sites or beats. If you use condoms and water-based lube you don’t need to worry. As for the age thing, venues cater for guys of all ages, if you go and don’t find anyone you want to hookup with, then that’s fine, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
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Q. I have had sex with an unknown girl. I met her in a club then we came home and I fucked her without a condom. It's the first time I've had sex without a condom and I'm not sure about that girl. She has had sex before and she was telling me that she has also fucked unprotected once with another guy...I am afraid now :( Could I have HIV ?? Please help I'm 21 and she is 18.
A.View AnswerIf you’ve had unprotected sex then there is an increased chance of contracting HIV and other STIs such as syphilis and Hepatitis C. If you are concerned we suggest you call our friends at NZAF on 0800 802437 and book a free FASTest for HIV, syphilis and Hepatitis C. One painless finger prick is all they need from you, and within 10-20 minutes you will have your test results. Appointments can be booked anytime Monday to Friday, between 9am and 5pm.
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Q. Hey, I let a stranger suck me off the other day at a glory hole, I was wearing a condom and I'm pretty sure all the cum was caught at the end of the condom. Do you think I have any risk of being infected with HIV?
A.View AnswerThe risk of contracting HIV through receptive oral sex whilst wearing a condom is really really low. If you are still concerned it may be helpful to speak to someone, the NZAF offers free nationwide counselling.
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Q. Hey, I'm a virgin and am contemplating hiring a male escort for sex. What are your thoughts on this? Also If I do go through with it and we both wear condoms, do you think I’ll be safe? (disease wise).
A.View AnswerHi, we are not here to judge anybody for who they have sex with, what we do care about is that whenever you have (hopefully awesome) sex you are using condoms & lube, and therefore safe from HIV and other STIs. The first time you have anal sex can BE a long and difficult process, and to ensure you are safe, it is not something you should rush. Whoever your first partner is, be sure it is someone you can communicate with, and who with whom you can be confident and relaxed. For more info check out our First Timers guide http://www.getiton.co.nz/great-sex-safe-sex/first-timers/
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Q. I met this cool older guy online, and we are going to have sex and that, I've only been with 2 dudes, and always used a condom, I'm not sure how many guys he has been with but has been in two long relationships. We are both super keen to try bareback sex, but i only want to if it is super safe, if he and I were to get tested and have the certificates, and all was ok, would that make it safe? Ok? Another question is using his cum for lube to make me cum dangerous? I'm uncut.... Thanks
A.View AnswerIt’s awesome that you’ve always used condoms in the previous times you’ve had sex, as this is the only way to really relax and be safe in the knowledge that your sex is hot, steamy and safe. To properly answer your question it might help to break up the answer.
First of all, how come you want to have bareback sex? If you are a top you might imagine it feels better without a condom, but how about trying some different types, sizes etc? There are heaps of different brands and shapes; there will be one that works for you, promise! If you are the bottom, ask yourself, how many other guys has he asked this of? Whatever his reasons are, your health and safety is waaay more important than his pleasure. If he really liked you, he wouldn’t ask you to compromise your health for him.
Secondly, even if you’ve both had HIV and STI tests, how many times has he had unprotected anal sex since his last test? Don’t forget, he is asking you to have unsafe sex with him too. Also, and very importantly, there is up to a 3 month window when someone can have HIV and still test negative. We can’t say enough that what you are suggesting (also known as ‘negotiated safety’) is not a safe strategy for reducing your risk of contracting HIV. In fact there are a lot of guys out there who now have HIV through practicing this.
The only way to be safe is to use a condom and lube every time you have anal sex.
Finally, yes, using his cum as lube to wank with is potentially dangerous, as cum can carry HIV, just use water-based or silicon lube.
We really hope you continue your commitment to safe hot sex, if you want to talk it out some more you can get in touch with the NZAF, they have a fantastic free, nationwide testing and counselling service, just ring 0800 80 2437 or click here for more info http://www.nzaf.org.nz/our-services/item/talking-to-someone.
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Q. I can cum by myself but not when I’m with someone intimately... How do I fix this?
A.View AnswerIntimacy is something that we can all struggle with, and sometimes we don’t always get the right information about how to create and maintain it. If you’d like to talk to someone about it you could get in touch with the NZAF counselling service, it’s free across New Zealand, just ring 09 3095560.
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Q. I'm gay and all I've had is a lot of casual sex, I also used to work in the sex industry in the past. I've meet a lot of really nice guys that I like etc. However every time I have sex with a guy that I like I always make excuses never to see them again. I’ve never had a long term relationship or been in 'love' and I’m 25. I have started to date guys and leave sex for later (i.e. a few weeks or a month) and that doesn’t work. Should I go and see a therapist or some other professional?
A.View AnswerSounds like you have a few questions about relationships and how to make them work better for you. You are definitely not alone on that one! If you feel like having a chat about it you could make an appointment to speak to one of the qualified and professional NZAF counsellors about relationships. It’s free and all across New Zealand. Just ring 09 3095560.
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Q. Hello, I love to be fucked and fuck too, but my problem is that my asshole is too small. So every time my partner wishes to put all his cock in me I feel a lot of pain, then we stop and make our selves feel good by sucking each other’s cock. I love to suck cock too, because my partner has a nice big cock, but please tell me how I can make my asshole bigger so my partner can put it all in me and feel good and he can also cum in my ass again. My asshole is too tight and small so he doesn’t feel good when he fucks me. Help me and tell me please, love u all GAYS take care and keep hot.
A.View AnswerThe key is to relax and take it really slow with loads of foreplay and always use a condom with LOTS of lube. You can experiment with fingers and maybe even a dildo (start out small) and work your way up in size to get used to larger objects. There is some great advice at the link below.
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Q. Is it WRONG to have sex at the age of 14?
A.View AnswerWe here at Get it On! know that our youth are engaging in all sorts of sexual behaviour at all sorts of ages.
We’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first.
Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do, and if and when you eventually have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from nasty STIs and HIV.
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Q. I need step by step instructions on how to have good safe sex
A.View AnswerAs you say, the best way to have great sex is to be safe and worry free, and that means using condoms & lube everytime you have sex.
You can see a video detailing how to put on a condom at the link at the bottom of this page. As for sex and how to do it, many people have tried to write the book on how to have great sex, but different things appeal to different people. Get started with plenty of foreplay, condoms & lube, and don’t be afraid to experiment, practice makes perfect!!!
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Q. OK serious question. I'm normally a top, but my boyfriend is putting on the guilts and telling me I have to bottom for him. I wish I could bottom but it feels horrible every time I try it. I feel sorry for him and I want to be proactive about it, so I'm considering getting a butt plug. My question is: Do people really use butt plugs to loosen up their ass-holes? Like, do people really walk around with butt plugs up their ass-holes all day to work etc so that they're loose when you try stick a penis up there? He says they do. Am I like the most gullable person ever or is this true? Surely you can tell if someone is wearing a butt plug to work, can't you *looks around*? I wonder if that's why so many people on Ponsonby road look like they've got carrots stuck up their asses?
A.View AnswerOkay, long answer time!
First of all, you should never feel pressured into having any kind of sex. Being a bottom is not for everyone and is something that can take time and practice to get used to. You shouldn’t rush anal sex as you can hurt yourself, or damage the very sensitive fragile tissue around the anus.
It is true that some people walk around with butt plugs up their ass though this is more of a fetish, than a way of loosening up the ass. Many enjoy both the physical sensation as well as the thrill of people around them not knowing.
In case you don’t have a butt plug handy, there are many other ways of relaxing the anus so that it is receptive to objects. Loads of foreplay such as kissing and sucking will help you to relax. Stimulating your ass with a well lubed finger is a good start. Try doing this in a warm shower when you’re starting off. Remember to always use plenty of water-based or synthetic lube as the anus is very sensitive. Work up to two or three fingers until you get used to the sensation.
It is important that before you get fucked that you have been to the toilet (number 2’s), douching can also help. When you first start to get fucked you will again need to use plenty of lube (and a condom!), and make sure the guy fucking you understands that this is a new sensation for you. Take your time and feel confident to say stop at any time. This might take some practice to get used to as often when you first start getting fucked, your body is getting used to the sensation and recognises this as needing to take a shit. This sensation will pass but you need to relax – try breathing through the sensation.
You can try experimenting with a dildo (start small) if you feel unsure about it. This can be a good way to get used to having something go in and out of your ass. If you feel up to it, you can ask your partner to play with you. Remember not to share dildos without putting a condom over them and changing the condom for each partner.
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Q. Hi I'm 26 years old and I want to make a friendship and have sex with but I m so scared of this. That's why I am not able to make a friendship with any one, so advice what should I do?
A.View AnswerMaking friends can sometimes be a daunting process. Being yourself, relaxed, open and honest with people is a good place to start. You could try discussing this with the crew at Youthline, OutlineNZ, Rainbow Youth or The New Zealand AIDS Foundation also offers free counselling.
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Q. I am 46 years old and have been married for 5 years. I've noticed that when we first got married I could last about 20-30 minutes before ejaculation. Now, I cum within 2-3 minutes!!! Why is this happening? My wife is 37 and in excellent shape.
A.View AnswerThere are several methods you can try to delay ejaculation: One is to masturbate before sex so that it’ll take you longer to cum again. Another is to masturbate and see how long you can delay ejaculation: this way you will begin to learn to be aware of an impending orgasm. Stopping for a few moments or changing positions can also help.
If the above doesn’t help you may like to visit a GP or Counsellor.
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Q. If you're a virgin, and have sex for the first time with another virgin, can you contract infections off each other from unprotected sex? Even though you both should be clean from never having sex before?
A.View AnswerIt’s very difficult to verify if someone is actually a virgin or not, and some STIs can be passed on without penetrative sex. To ensure you both stay safe use condoms and lube every time you have sex.