Coming Out
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Ask a QuestionAll Q&A (Coming Out)
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Q. Ever since I was young people have suspected that I am gay, including my family. This has affected me hugely, to the point where I now have a girlfriend but I’m still attracted to guys 100%. I’m confused and have no idea what I should do in my situation. I’m scared to come out and I don’t want to hurt or embarrass my girlfriend. What can help?
A.View AnswerIt sounds really hard for you at the moment, so it’s good that you’ve made contact. Lots of guys have taken this journey before you and faced similar struggles. It sounds like it would be good for you to have a good talk to somebody about these things. Depending on your location, you may like to contact Rainbow Youth, Outline or you could contact the counselling team at NZAF (links for all these services are available below). The people you will meet in these places are very easy to talk to, experienced and skilled with issues similar to the ones you described. These are big issues so no wonder you are confused. I hope you get in touch with one of these services, they are here to help you.
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Q. I've always felt more attracted to the same sex, but in the last few months I've started feeling slightly attracted to the other sex as well. Is this normal? I'm pretty confused on whether I'm gay or bi.
A.View AnswerMany men will admit to having had some attraction to both sexes and that attraction can vary in intensity towards one or both sexes. If you are feeling confused and this is bothering you it might be useful to talk to one of the counselling staff at NZAF, who have talked to many people experiencing confusion with their sexual identity. The NZAF counselling service is free - click on the link below for more details.
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Q. I don’t whether I’m gay or bi. I’m definitely attracted to guys, but I’m also attracted to girls – just not as strong as I am to guys. Is that considered gay or bi? And another thing: how do I come out to my mother?
A.View AnswerFrom what you’ve described you might be bisexual but only you can determine what your sexual identity is. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or something else it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
Coming out is a big decision, it can either make or break bonds you have with those you care about the most. You must take into consideration what you will do if they do not accept what you have to say. If you decide to follow through and discuss this with your parents you can do this several ways, you can sit them down and discuss it with them in an open honest discussion, or if you feel you need help with this you can either ask someone who knows you are bi and supports you, to be with you when you have the discussion with your parents or you could talk to a counsellor about this who could give you some advice on how to approach the subject or even mediate the discussion for you. NZAF provide a free counselling service for gay and bi men. They are very professional and we recommend talking to them if you need support. Click on the link below. -
Q. I'm a bi guy maybe so close to gay side. I found out that boys are way hotter to me than girls now and whenever I have sex with a boy I cum relatively quicker than with a girl. Is that normal? Also I recently noticed that when I have sex with a girl I'm not fully aroused so I start to think on my mind of a hot guy to get hard fully aroused. Does that mean I'm gay or I'm still bi? And lastly please, I found out that sometimes I cum even while my dick is soft (especially if I'm so aroused), is that normal?
A.View AnswerThere is no such thing as normal, and only you can determine what your sexual identity is. It’s not black and white - you might be bisexual but prefer boys slightly more than girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or something else it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. What is the best way to come out and say to my parents I'm Bi?
A.View AnswerComing out is a big decision, it can either make or break bonds you have with those you care about the most. You must take into consideration what you will do if they do not accept what you have to say. If you decide to follow through and discuss this with your parents you can do this several ways, you can sit them down and discuss it with them in an open honest discussion, or if you feel you need help with this you can either ask someone who knows you are bi and supports you, to be with you when you have the discussion with your parents or you could talk to a counselor about this who could give you some advice on how to approach the subject or even mediate the discussion for you. NZAF provide a free counseling service for gay and bi men. They are very professional and we recommend talking to them if you need support. Click on the link below.
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Q. I'm gay, 18yo, from Nelson. Where can I go (not online) to find another gay guy to get to know?
A.View AnswerYou could try a youth group in Nelson called Q Youth. Q Youth is a support group for all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex youth. They meet regularly and this will enable you to meet other likeminded people. Phone: 03 548 4260. Email: info@q-youth.org. Facebook (link below)
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Q. I'm gay, from Christchurch. Where can I go, online or not to find another gay guy to get to know?
A.View AnswerIf you are 26 or under you can try a gay youth group such Qtopia (link below). You can also try Christchurch gay events such as pride week or events put on by UpRising Trust (link below).
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Q. I am 19 and often have thoughts about guys. But I’ve always felt an attraction to girls. I love girls and if I see a girl in the street I would think is hot I would say it. I’ve never thought a guy was hot but when I talk to gay guys and I get hard and want to do stuff to gay guys what am I?
A.View AnswerA guy can like having sex with other guys and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about having sex with other guys has obvious implications on your sexual identity.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions. You can also contact Rainbow Youth who specialise in working with young people questioning their sexuality.
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Q. I consider myself straight, but have found myself thinking about gay sex when wanking, and find myself looking at more and more gay porn. I know I'm not gay, is there a chance I could be bisexual without knowing it?
A.View AnswerA guy can like having sex with other guys and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about having sex with men has obvious implications on your sexual identity.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I like being ordered like a sex slave boy by guys over video chat. The guys themselves don’t make me horny but being the slave does. I’m not gay. Why do I like this?
A.View AnswerYou obviously enjoy being sexually dominated online, and there’s nothing wrong with that provided you clearly communicate what you like and what is off-limits. Everyone has different kinks and turn-ons and there are plenty of other people out there who are into the same thing as you.
It sounds like you are confused about your sexuality, given that you enjoy being dominated by other guys, yet you don’t identify as gay. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I'm 14 and I get an erection when I see dicks and abs. Once my friend showed me his abs but I didn’t get an erection. I only get erections when I see it on the internet or a film. I love girls. Am I normal?
A.View AnswerRemember that you’re young, and feelings of attraction and sex can be confusing. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t have all the answers yet. A guy can like looking at other guys and still be attracted to girls. If you like looking at guys online then that might be a fantasy of yours. Fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below). If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions. You can also contact Rainbow Youth who specialise in working with young people.
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Q. My dad was trying to be funny and shared some jokes. One of the jokes was about a father and his gay son. Then he asked if I was gay and I said "no". Then my dad said he'd disown me as his son if I was gay. But I am, and have told no-one. How do I come out to him? I don't want him to disown me.
A.View AnswerComing out can be challenging to yourself and to others, so be gentle with yourself. Don’t blame yourself if you find things difficult. Get support from others and talk to someone you can trust so you don’t feel alone. Rainbow Youth has a drop-in centre you can visit if you’re in Auckland, and you might like to check out some of their resources (click on the link below)
If you’re not in Auckland, you can contact them on 09 376 4155 and ask them if there’s an LGBT youth organisation where you are. Or if you’d like to talk to someone about it over the phone you can also chat to the team at OutlineNZ (0800 OutlineNZ).
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Q. I am gay and feel excited around other guys. But I don't know how to tell people I'm gay. I know other friends that are gay and they have come out but I don't know how to tell them.
A.View AnswerTelling your friends you are gay can be difficult but at the end of the day if they are true friends they will accept you for whoever you are. It might be helpful to talk to someone else first - someone who has been there before and understands what it feels like.
There is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions. If you’re under 28 you can also contact Rainbow Youth (link below).
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Q. I'm a transman, and I'm gay... How can I negotiate this when I'm hooking up with people? I want sex, but I don't want a boyfriend. Gay guys are all about the cock, but I have to strap mine on. I worry I'm going to get beat up if I go cruising or out to bars and go home with the wrong guy.
A.View AnswerThe issue here is one of disclosure. Do you disclose? How do you disclose? The reality is that if you’re hooking up for sex then at some point he’s going to notice, so you want to decide whether or not to disclose beforehand.
Here are some thoughts from the website http://www.queertransmen.org (click on the link below for more info):
If you decide to disclose, here are some things to consider:
• Are you in a space that is comfortable and/or physically and emotionally safe?
• Can you easily leave the situation?
• Are you prepared to educate someone who might not know a lot about trans people?If disclosure goes badly:
• Do you have a place to go or can you leave the situation safely?
• Do you have support from friends or family?
• Can you deal with possible sexual/emotional rejection?
If you’re cruising for guys in a bar or venue it can be hard to have conversations that could allow you to bring up the subject. If you decide to disclose, you could try online hookup sites such as Manhunt or Grindr which allow you to advertise what you are looking for and be open about your identity, that way you are likely to meet men who are open and willing to meet you. -
Q. How can I find a partner? I am gay, out from my shell last year. I’m still looking for a partner. I wish you could help me look for someone... Is it easy to find a partner?
A.View AnswerIt never seems easy when all you can think about is finding a partner and wishing you had someone to snuggle up to at night. And it seems even harder when you can’t find that someone. A lot of couples admit that they actually met each other in unlikely situations and not necessarily when they were actively looking.
The best thing to do is to be yourself, and put yourself in situations where you are going to meet new people. Go out to the bars, or if you’re not a bar person you could try your luck at local art gallery openings, cafes, or music gigs. If you are serious about finding someone then you need to put yourself out there and be prepared to strike up a conversation with someone you’re attracted to.
There are other places you could meet people. The internet is a good place to meet, not just for sex, but also for those looking for more. You can specify what you are looking for and screen people that you would like to meet. NZDating and Manhunt have a good selection of men to choose from, as do mobile apps such as Grindr and Scruff.
If you are young we suggest joining a group with Rainbow Youth or another local gay youth group where you can meet like-minded young people.
Good luck finding that special someone.
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Q. I'm 20 years old and am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of 2 ½ years. I'm very much in love with her, but have a situation where I’m turned on by the thought of having sex with other guys. It started this year and don't know what to do. I'm still attracted to women and love my girlfriend a lot, but feel as though I should be telling her this. What can I do to make this better?
A.View AnswerIt sounds like there are several things you are questioning; sexual orientation, sexual attraction, and whether to act on your fantasies of having sex with other guys. A man can like having sex with other guys and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about men has obvious implications on your existing relationship. If you feel as though you should be telling her then you are probably right, at least if you are going to pursue your fantasies.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I am terribly confused about an action I should take, or not, based a lot on sexual orientation. I have identified with being straight since age 13, because it was ‘cool’; yeah well that was high school. I'm now 25 and for the longest time I still identified as being straight, as I am physically attracted to women, but in saying that I have always been too shy to ask anyone out, hence; never had a girlfriend. Here is what has me confused: I am still attracted to women but what really turns me on is receiving anal stimulation, from dildos and various other objects. This has been the case since I was 21 and shortly after that I started having sexual fantasies about men, this really confused me as I still get fantasies about men, with quite a bit more than just anal or oral stimulation and I only feel physically attracted to women. I feel conflicted, and yet desperate at the same time to fulfil the fantasies I have held. I don’t know what I should do. I often feel so desperate for contact with anyone I watch straight porn but sometimes wish it was gay porn and yet desperate to stop all together. The last thing is I am incredibly shy talking about sex or relationships if it concerns me, so I end up being reserved talking to no one about such issues and am left with asking on here. I'm confused about my sexual orientation, why I'm having such thoughts, even though I don’t have a problem with the thoughts but how do I deal with them. Do I try and find someone or a group to fulfil my fantasies, what do I do about being so shy and nervous?
A.View AnswerDear Shy and Confused,
It sounds like there are several things you are questioning; sexual orientation, sexual attraction, how and whether to act on fantasies and dealing with shyness. A man can like anal play, stimulation and penetration and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about men requires putting yourself in a situation where you will have to speak with them and if the shyness is preventing you from talking with them it may be best to deal that first.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. Additionally, a counsellor can help you work through the shyness issues and to clarify exactly what you need and want. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
Best of luck on your journey -
Q. Is it weird that I have a girlfriend and crave her pussy...but like guy porn but would never get with a guy? I am not gay and I am not bi as I would never get with anyone but what does this mean I am?
A.View AnswerIt may sound cliche, but you really don’t need to attach a label to your situation. There are straight guys out there who enjoy watching gay porn - some of them might never end up fucking a guy and some might. It doesn’t need to be defined or labelled. However, it might be worth talking to someone about it, especially if it is causing you to worry. We suggest calling 0800 80 2437 to make an appointment with one of the NZAF’s free nationwide counselors.
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Q. I'm gay and I'm too scared to let my friends know. Please help me.
A.View AnswerTelling your friends you are gay can be difficult but at the end of the day if they are true friends they will accept you for whoever you are. It might be helpful to talk to someone else first - someone who has been there before and understands what it feels like. You can chat to the team at OutlineNZ (0800 OutlineNZ), or if you’re under 28 you can contact Rainbow Youth.
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Q. I really really like this guy Paul (I've had a crush on him for over a year) but am not 100% sure hes gay. By the way were both 15 and I don't know if this counts for anything, but he's never dated a girl before and most of his friends are girls plus he is very feminine. Anyway I've invited him to this party where nearly all the people going know I'm gay and I want to tell him then at the party. Do you think this is a good idea? What should I do?
A.View AnswerTelling him that you’re gay is probably the right place to start if you’ve got a crush on him and want to be more than friends. However, keep in mind that not all 15yo guys are comfortable with their sexuality. If he is gay, he might not be ready to come out himself or even confront his sexuality. So if you’re going to tell him be sensitive to the fact that he may be uncomfortable due to his own situation. Perhaps you could pull him aside during the party and tell him in private, so he has a chance to respond without feeling like everyone is watching him.
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Q. My boyfriend is straight, married (long distance) and messes around with other girls. But he likes blow jobs and rimming... is he a real straight? Our relationship is already 3 years and involves money...
A.View AnswerThink of sexuality as a spectrum – you’ve got completely straight at one end and completely gay at the other, with many guys falling somewhere in between. It sounds like your man might be somewhere on that line but we can’t tell you where. The best thing to do is ask him. He might not want to talk about it but he is the only one that can answer your question. If you want to talk about it with someone else we suggest calling 0800 80 2437 to make an appointment with one of the NZAF’s free nationwide counselors. They can help you work through your feelings about your relationship and his sexuality.
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Q. I was wondering if it's normal for a 13 year old to be gay or bi and if it's ok for him to have sex or blow jobs?
A.View AnswerIf you’re feeling attracted to other guys then you are probably gay or bisexual. There is no ‘normal’ age to come to terms with your sexuality - some guys realise it in their teens and others much later in life. If you feel like you’d like to talk to someone about it, you can chat to the team at OutlineNZ (0800 OutlineNZ), or if you’re under 28 you can contact Rainbow Youth. As for having sex, we’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. We suggest giving the great team at YOUTHline a call on 0800 37 66 33 to talk it out first. Also, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. If and when you have sex, be sure to use condoms & lube, to protect you and your partner from STIs and HIV.
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Q. I’m 19 and still a virgin and I’m gay but haven’t told anyone as I’m too scared. I don’t want to go near a guy as my penis is really small like when its flaccid its like maybe 5cm long and my foreskin doesn’t retract when I get hard. I don’t want to see a specialist in case he starts touching me and I get horny would be so embarrassing. Help!
A.View AnswerIt is important to know you can have great sex regardless of the size of your cock and there is no such thing as normal when it comes to shape and size. We suggest calling 0800 80 2437 to make an appointment with one of the NZAF’s free nationwide counsellors. They can help you work through your feelings about coming out, and help you to develop your own sexual confidence. If you would like to see a specialist about your foreskin we suggest asking for a female specialist if that makes you more comfortable, or ask one of the NZAF counsellors if they can recommend a specialist you would be comfortable with. NZAF counsellors are here to listen and are used to talking through issues of all kinds.
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Q. being homosexual is not a choice right? and can it mean the sexual attraction of male features (e.g. hair or muscle)?
A.View AnswerFeeling sexualy attracted to members of the same sex as yourself is not generally considered a choice, and the level of attraction can vary from person to person. Whether you choose to act on this attraction is entirely up to you. If you are experiencing some level of same-sex attractions, and feel like you’d like to talk to someone about it, you can chat to the team at OutlineNZ (0800 OutlineNZ), or if you’re under 28 you can contact Rainbow Youth.