Am I Normal?
We’ve got the professionals in to answer your questions
The awesome team at NZAF Health Services are here to answer any questions you might have about sex, sexuality, gender, relationships and everything in-between. Wherever you are in NZ, click here to book free counselling or a HIV Rapid Test, results in 20 minutes!
Ask a QuestionAll Q&A (Am I Normal?)
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Q. I'm a 25 year old guy. I like both men and women but in the last 4yrs I started to like men a lot more. I used to have sex with men but not a relationship. I'm still in the process of discovering the gay world and may come out later on. I face some difficulty when I have sex with both genders (mostly with men) which is premature ejaculation. This issue used to happen when I have sex with girls but it gets worse with guys. I'm worried if I have a relationship with a guy it could cause problems for me and my partner leading to a break up. What do you think? And is that normal by the way?
A.View AnswerTry not to worry too much. Premature ejaculation is a really common issue for men in both straight and same sex relationship and it is usually able to be sorted out. It often becomes less of an issue when you get to know your partner better and become more relaxed with them and therefore when having sex as well. If this issue continues to make you anxious then talking about it is a good idea. You might like to make a time to talk with a counsellor at NZAF about it and perhaps any other questions you have about your sexuality. Click on the link below.
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Q. Sometimes I watch gay porn and get so horny and then I wank once and sometimes twice. What's interesting is that when I wank for the second time it is just a few minutes after the first time, and I cum with no erection. I mean yes I'm aroused and horny but when I cum, I cum while my cock is soft! I don't know but that seems abnormal.
A.View AnswerI understood from your message that, sometimes your first ejaculation occurs with a hard penis, and the second soon after the first happens with a soft penis. Although not common it is something that some men do experience. If you google this you will realise that you are not alone with this experience. You’ll be pleased to know that there appears there is nothing abnormal about this. Everyone’s refractory period (recovery phase after orgasm) is different and age is a factor in this. However, if you have any pain or injury as a result of what is happening I suggest you contact your physician or GP for a check-up.
Depending on your location and age, you may like to contact Rainbow Youth, Outline or you could contact the counselling team at NZAF. Click on the links below for more information.
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Q. I have no health problems as far as I know, have been checked for STI's and am all clear. I’m asking about semen viscosity. I think my semen is very thick as all the porn I have seen their cum isn’t nearly as thick, it seems to be a normal colour from research a milky white colour. But mine is really thick like thicker than congealed blood. Is this normal and if so what does it mean?
A.View AnswerIt would normally take up to an hour for semen to liquefy after ejaculation. One of the main factors affecting semen viscosity is hydration, which means men who want thin semen need to drink plenty of water. Sufficient hydration usually requires from six to eight glasses of water each day, though more is often necessary for men who exercise or work outside in warm weather. It usually takes a few days of staying sufficiently hydrated to see an improvement in semen viscosity. Other factors which can affect semen viscosity are some medications and infections. If you are concerned you should go talk to your GP or physician.
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Q. Me and my boyfriend are both 17 and have been going out for 8 months. We are both as manly and as feminine as one another and it just happens that I am the bottom in the relationship. I really want to be the top because it’s more of a natural feeling for me. But my boyfriend refuses constantly. I don't know what to do, I really love him, but if he loved me that much I imagine he would let me do it. My relationship is one sided and I think that it is unfair..... help me!
A.View AnswerSome guys are bottoms and some are tops and some are versatile (both top and bottom). Negotiating this with a partner is all a part of sorting out how the two of you meet each other’s needs. If this isn’t working out for you then it’s a good idea to talk about. Try telling him exactly how it makes you feel and that you feel your relationship is one-sided because of it. If the situation isn’t resolved after you’ve tried talking to him then you might consider both seeing a counsellor. There is free counselling available from our friends at NZAF. See link below.
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Q. Is it natural that after I have masturbated and cum that my sexual urges dissipate for awhile?
A.View AnswerIt is not unusual for individuals who have climaxed to immediately feel their sexual urges dissipate. The period after orgasm is often a relaxing experience due to the release of neurohormones and endorphins. However this is usually not a long term effect.
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Q. I love girls and when I am clubbing I only want to hook up with girls. I don’t find men attractive like I do with girls but I have a sexual attraction to both. Am I bisexual? I’m 19yo.
A.View AnswerFrom what you’ve described you might be bisexual but only you can determine what your sexual identity is.. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or something else it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I am 21yo masturbating twice daily for many years, Will it be a problem in future sex life (married life)? If so what are the precautionary steps to be taken?
A.View AnswerIt’s not uncommon to masturbate a lot when you’re young and there’s nothing wrong with that. It will not cause any problems in your future sex life.
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Q. I'm a bi guy maybe so close to gay side. I found out that boys are way hotter to me than girls now and whenever I have sex with a boy I cum relatively quicker than with a girl. Is that normal? Also I recently noticed that when I have sex with a girl I'm not fully aroused so I start to think on my mind of a hot guy to get hard fully aroused. Does that mean I'm gay or I'm still bi? And lastly please, I found out that sometimes I cum even while my dick is soft (especially if I'm so aroused), is that normal?
A.View AnswerThere is no such thing as normal, and only you can determine what your sexual identity is. It’s not black and white - you might be bisexual but prefer boys slightly more than girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or something else it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I've been openly gay to my immediate family and close friends for 7 years now. I've had 4 boyfriends and no hook-ups my entire life. Two of my ex cheated on me and one dumped me, and one saying they wanted a guy with a bigger penis. One of them is 4.5 inches erect, the other is ~5.5 inches erect and are about average thickness. I'm 7.5 inches erect and thicker than them both. I've research penis size online and I'm above the mean. Neither of them meet the mark. How much penis is adequate for most guys?
A.View AnswerThe average penis size is 5-6 inches. Each person has their own preference about what is adequate for them. 7.5 inches is considered above average.
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Q. I am hungry for sex for which I always try to approach foreigners. I mean that whenever I see a foreigner (guy), I always try to introduce myself to him and ask him to walk on the street and want to tell him that I am gay and that I like to suck and be fucked. I am in Myanmar (Burma), I am 21 years old, and I like to be fucked and want somebody to wank my cock whenever we sex. How can I be sure that I am bi-sexual or gay?
A.View AnswerIf you want to have sex with other guys then you are probably gay or bisexual. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and it might help to talk to someone about it. If you know any other gay guys that you trust then it might help to talk to them about your feelings.
Remember to always use condoms and lube for anal sex, it is the best way to prevent HIV. -
Q. I'm young and I think I'm gay. I have these thoughts about the boys in my school. And sometimes I get hard in front of them and have to ask to go to the bathroom and jack off. I wonder about myself sometimes if I'm normal or not. Also I want to buy condoms but everyone knows me and it would be embarrassing. Is there any way I can get condoms without anyone knowing about it?
A.View AnswerIf you’re feeling attracted to other guys then you are probably gay or bisexual. If you feel like you’d like to talk to someone about it, you can chat to the team at Rainbow Youth (link below). As for having sex, we’re not here to judge, but we will point out that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is against the law. Condoms can be ordered from our website by clicking on the link below. They are delivered in a plain, unmarked envelope.
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Q. I am 19 and often have thoughts about guys. But I’ve always felt an attraction to girls. I love girls and if I see a girl in the street I would think is hot I would say it. I’ve never thought a guy was hot but when I talk to gay guys and I get hard and want to do stuff to gay guys what am I?
A.View AnswerA guy can like having sex with other guys and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about having sex with other guys has obvious implications on your sexual identity.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions. You can also contact Rainbow Youth who specialise in working with young people questioning their sexuality.
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Q. When I’m hard and or soft I have a really long foreskin. Is this normal? I have trouble putting on a condom and I can’t get hard enough. Sometimes I get really sad because all I want to do is pleasure myself. And my bf he only lets me do it once in a while. He’s cheated on me once before and I’m scared…
A.View AnswerSome guys do have longer foreskins and there is nothing abnormal about it.
If you have a long foreskin, where the skin covers most of your dick when hard, don’t pull the foreskin back as the condom will slide off when your foreskin slides back into place. Some guys with longer foreskins find it easier to put on the condom with 2 hands. Unroll the condom about 1 cm and put 2 fingers from each hand under each side. Stretch it over the head of your cock and pull it down over the shaft, then gently unroll to the base of your cock. There’s a good video below that explains this technique.
There are many things that could be contributing to your inability to get hard enough, such as lack of confidence, anxiety, stress, cigarettes and alcohol or other physical health factors. You should start by talking to your boyfriend about how this makes you feel and work through it together. Talk about what turns you on and what pleasures you – sex involves two people and it’s important that he is focused on your needs as well as his.
If this is causing tension in your relationship, we suggest making an appointment for free counselling with our friends and NZAF. NZAF staff are qualified professionals who are experienced in issues of sex and sexuality. You can visit them by yourself or as a couple – it’s up to you. Click below for more information.
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Q. I consider myself straight, but have found myself thinking about gay sex when wanking, and find myself looking at more and more gay porn. I know I'm not gay, is there a chance I could be bisexual without knowing it?
A.View AnswerA guy can like having sex with other guys and still be attracted to women. Also fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies. Acting on your fantasies about having sex with men has obvious implications on your sexual identity.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I have tried anal sex with my lover several times. Everything has gone perfect, except for one thing: He's quite big, and when he puts it all the way in, deep, I feel like I have little control over what my bowels are going to do. After the first seven+ inches of insertion (he's even longer than that), I feel like I'm defecating or about to defecate, or like I have no control over that at all, so I have to tell him to stop, and it ruins things. But I'm not actually experiencing a bowel movement. I'm really scared that a bowel movement would be triggered though (What is the likelihood of this?), and this prospect is horrifying. However we've never had any 'accidents', not even a smear. What do I do? How can I have fulfilling, enjoyable sex? This sexual problem is causing tension in our relationship. I really would love some help.
A.View AnswerWhen you are first fucked, it often feels uncomfortable during sex and afterwards and you might feel like sitting on the toilet for a while. These sensations are mostly an illusion. Your body got the message that your arse felt full and reacts accordingly. Be patient, in time your body will adapt and learn to separate these sensations from the real ones.
If this is causing tension in your relationship, we suggest making an appointment for free relationship counselling with our friends and NZAF. NZAF staff are qualified professionals who are experienced in issues of sex and sexuality. Click below for more information.
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Q. I like being ordered like a sex slave boy by guys over video chat. The guys themselves don’t make me horny but being the slave does. I’m not gay. Why do I like this?
A.View AnswerYou obviously enjoy being sexually dominated online, and there’s nothing wrong with that provided you clearly communicate what you like and what is off-limits. Everyone has different kinks and turn-ons and there are plenty of other people out there who are into the same thing as you.
It sounds like you are confused about your sexuality, given that you enjoy being dominated by other guys, yet you don’t identify as gay. Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below) or you could find a private paid counsellor to work through these issues with. If you choose a private counsellor we recommend interviewing them to make sure they are gay friendly and sex positive. If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions.
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Q. I want to increase the size of my penis. How is it possible?
A.View AnswerIf it were easy to make your dick bigger then everyone you meet would have a huge dick. There are countless pills and devices that are marketed to men for penis enlargement and plenty of suckers who hand over cash in the hope of a couple more inches. To this date we’ve never heard of anything that works.
A lot of guys worry about whether their dick is normal or not. But there really is no such thing as normal when it comes to shape and size of your cock. They come in all shapes and sizes and you can have awesome sex regardless of how big or small it is.
If you want support and someone to talk to then a counsellor would be a good idea. There is free counselling through the NZAF (check out the link below) or you can find a gay friendly one on your own. Be sure to check with them when booking an appointment about their ability to support you as a gay man.
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Q. I'm 14 and I get an erection when I see dicks and abs. Once my friend showed me his abs but I didn’t get an erection. I only get erections when I see it on the internet or a film. I love girls. Am I normal?
A.View AnswerRemember that you’re young, and feelings of attraction and sex can be confusing. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t have all the answers yet. A guy can like looking at other guys and still be attracted to girls. If you like looking at guys online then that might be a fantasy of yours. Fantasies are just that and one can choose to act on them or keep them as fantasies.
Whether you determine your sexual identity to be gay, bisexual or straight it is a process for you and there is free counselling available through our friends at NZAF (check out the link below). If you are uncomfortable talking with a counsellor there is Outline (another link below) with volunteers who can provide a brief listening ear and suggestions for groups where you would be comfortable exploring your questions. You can also contact Rainbow Youth who specialise in working with young people.
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Q. Why do I always lose my erection when I am getting fucked? I notice that many men lose their erections while getting fucked when I watch porn. Is this normal?
A.View AnswerIt’s not uncommon for some guys to lose their erection a bit when they get fucked. It can depend on how horny you are, the amount of foreplay etc. Add to that that it some guys find the sensation of getting fucked a little weird at first, but it usually gets better.
The question you have to ask yourself is do you enjoy bottoming? If not, then talk to your man and let him know you aren’t really getting pleasure from it. Ask him to help you experiment with ways of stimulating you to help find something that feels good. Maybe try getting fingered while he’s blowing you.
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Q. I have been seeing someone for a while now, and we have had sex a few times, but I haven't cum yet. I have bottomed every time, and for some reason I don't seem to enjoy sex. Is this normal? All I want to do is to be able to enjoy sex. I find him very attractive, and have no problem wanking by myself, but when with him I seem to take a very long time to get off, I get close to cumming then nothing happens.
A.View AnswerIt could just be that you are not a bottom. It’s not for everyone. Or it could be that he needs to pay more attention to you. Some guys are terrible at pleasuring a bottom. If you’re not enjoying it then talk to him and ask him to pay more attention to the things that you enjoy. Maybe you’d prefer if he wanks your cock while he’s fucking you, maybe you want him to suck you off, or maybe you want him to make sure you cum before he does. Find out what you enjoy and ask him to pay more attention to you.
If you want support and a sounding board for your experiences a counsellor would be a good idea. There is free counselling through the NZAF (check out the link below) or you can find a gay friendly one on your own. Be sure to check with them when booking an appointment about their ability to support you as a gay man.
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Q. I wank 5 times a day and I’m 13. Is that normal?
A.View AnswerIt’s not uncommon to wank a lot when you’re young and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s only a problem if it begins to impede on other aspects of your life such as school, sports or social life. If you’re doing it in the privacy of your bedroom there’s no problem.
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Q. I will skip over the 'important details' of the whys to my statement, but for many reasons including church, classroom bullying that started at five and never stopped till I left the town, and parental views on homosexuality I found that gay meant an adult male raping (more than likely) young boys, to which I didn't want to partake in. As a result, I have never had a boyfriend, never been in a relationship and have to ask. How does an older male who has no experience with a sexual or loving relationship that can be defined with words like partner or boyfriend start to learn the process of being with someone else?
A.View AnswerFinding a relationship is similar to being a friend. The foundations are honesty, openness and being yourself. That said, doing anything new brings an element of anxiety as well as excitement and using the foundations mentioned before can help you and the person you are getting to know navigate new territory. Defining and understanding what you need out of relationship can set ground rules and expectations for yourself and a potential partner if that provides the structure you need to feel comfortable. If someone is not able to deal with your lack of experience then they are not for you and you can move onto
As far as meeting people there are many venues and places to meet people from classes and community events, to volunteering and then moving into more cruisy scenes like bars and clubs. Internet dating is fully mainstream and you will be able to screen potential partners but it can be time consuming and daunting if you have not tried it before. Finding gay friendly events can be done on gazynz.com or in Express magazine.
If you want support and a sounding board for your experiences a counsellor would be a good idea as they can also work with the issues that kept you from engaging for so long. There is free counselling through the NZAF (check out the link below) or you can find a gay friendly one on your own. Be sure to check with them when booking an appointment about their ability to support you as a gay man.
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Q. I’m gay and I know that but I’m a bit girly acting. I act like a girl, walk, eat and talk like a girl. I do not like being this way. Can you please suggest ideas or even some chemical that will make me look like a straight acting guy?
A.View AnswerWhy do you not like being this way? No-one should change who they are to try and impress another person. Each one of us is a unique being, made up of so many complex strands, and people will either like, loathe or ignore the way we are - that’s their choice, but for everyone who doesn’t like who and what you are, there is someone else who will think you’re terrific. They are the people to concentrate on.
Don’t try to stick labels on yourself - and others. You are a unique guy, and your name is the only label you need. You can only enjoy life by being yourself.
NZAF counsellors specialise in talking about sexuality and gender identity so they can provide a very good (and free) service if you’d like to talk to someone (check out the link below). If you’re under 28 you can also contact Rainbow Youth (link below).
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Q. How can I last longer during sex? I'm gay. Is there any lube I can use so I don’t cum so easily? I want to have a long play with my partner, and sometimes I want to become a top, but the problem is that I cum very quickly. What can I do?
A.View AnswerThere’s no lube that reduces sensitivity that we are aware of. But there are thicker condoms you can get which may help you last longer. Try Durex ‘Extra Safe’ condoms which are slightly thicker than regular condoms.
You can also try slowing down and increasing your ‘staying power’. When you feel an orgasm edging on you can try stopping and waiting until the ‘heat’ slows down a bit and then starting again. If you keep doing this he should be able to last longer.
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Q. I’m 18 years old and bi. Every time I'm having sex (with another man) or just masturbating I feel great, but at the time of ejaculation I feel so disgusted and guilty! I'm so confused please help?
A.View AnswerThis happens to most guys and is simply because of the hormones released during sex and when you cum. When you’re fucking (or jerking off) your body is in an excited state and under the influence of substances increasing your sexual desire and pleasure. When you cum endorphins are released - this is basically the natural “pleasure drugs” our body produces. That’s why it feels so good. When your orgasm is finished, the nervous system releases other hormones having the effect of cooling your libido down and relaxing you.
The bad feeling is partly caused by the substances released after orgasm and their efficiency varies from one person to another. If their effect on the organism is light, you get a relaxed feeling, but if it is stronger, it can make you feel depressed or guilty.
It is a perfectly normal state, and there is little you can do about it; that’s just how your body reacts.
Try to accept it as it is, and consider it is only a temporary feeling. And don’t forget that the pleasure of fucking or jerking off is normally worth it, so it isn’t that much of a dark world, after all.
