Ask a Sexpert

A.

We like this quote from Richard Fry: “Straight boys, if anyone thinks you’re gay, take it as a MASSIVE compliment.” How you react to being called gay says a lot about who you are as a person and how you see the world.

But if it’s really bothering you it’s a good idea to talk to someone about it. You can call Youthline on 0800 376633 – they are there to help. Pink Shirt Day also has some great resources for coping with bullying. Click on the link below.

• Pink Shirt Day Resources

A.

It depends what you mean by “nothing really serious”. If you have had oral sex there is a chance of contracting certain STIs/STDs although the risk is still relatively low compared to other activities such as unprotected anal sex.

You probably don’t need to get tested. Just make sure you use condoms and water-based lube every time you have sex. It’s important to use condoms and lube, even if you’re in a relationship, because approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it. So to protect yourself and your boyfriend you should get into the habit of using condoms and lube from your first time.

It may be a difficult conversation to have with your boyfriend, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:

“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did the same. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”

A.

It depends what you mean by “nothing really serious”. If you have had oral sex there is a chance of contracting certain STIs/STDs although the risk is still relatively low compared to other activities such as unprotected anal sex.

You probably don’t need to get tested. Just make sure you use condoms and water-based lube every time you have sex. It’s important to use condoms and lube, even if you’re in a relationship, because approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it. So to protect yourself and your boyfriend you should get into the habit of using condoms and lube from your first time.

It may be a difficult conversation to have with your boyfriend, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:

“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did the same. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”

A.

Without being pessimistic, you don’t know for sure that he has always used condoms despite what he tells you. If he has asked you to have sex without condoms then how do you know he hasn’t also asked others? And if he had unprotected sex before, despite not exhibiting any symptoms, he may be carrying an STI (including HIV) and pass it on. Testing for STI’s is definitely a good idea, but the only way to really relax and know that your sex is safe is to use condoms and lube every time.

Also, if you continue a sexual relationship with this guy how do you know what else he is up to? Monogamy is not something you count on as a prevention method and we certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone do so. The reality is that approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it.
It may be a difficult conversation to have with your partner, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:

“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. That you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”

A.

It depends what you mean by “nothing really serious”. If you have had oral sex there is a chance of contracting certain STIs/STDs although the risk is still relatively low compared to other activities such as unprotected anal sex.

You probably don’t need to get tested. Just make sure you use condoms and water-based lube every time you have sex. It’s important to use condoms and lube, even if you’re in a relationship, because approximately half of all HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in NZ occur within relationships. That is, one partner unwittingly passes HIV onto the other partner without even realising they had it. So to protect yourself and your boyfriend you should get into the habit of using condoms and lube from your first time.

It may be a difficult conversation to have with your boyfriend, but it’s an important one to have if you want to protect each other. It might go something like this:

“Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did the same. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.”

A.

It may sound cliche, but you really don’t need to attach a label to your situation. There are straight guys out there who enjoy watching gay porn - some of them might never end up fucking a guy and some might. It doesn’t need to be defined or labelled. However, it might be worth talking to someone about it, especially if it is causing you to worry. We suggest calling 0800 80 2437 to make an appointment with one of the NZAF’s free nationwide counselors.

A.

Unfortunately there are no gay bars, saunas, or clubs in Napier. Some guys cruise for sex along the beach and Centennial Gardens.  If you want to meet guys in a more social setting you could try your luck at local art gallery openings or perhaps at some pubs with visiting bands. And ZiggZagg cafe (near Clive Sq) is gay patronised. NZDating.com is used by guys in Napier and can be a good way to meet other guys. If you find some guys asking for unsafe sex perhaps you can emphasise on your profile that you are only interested in guys who use condoms and lube.

A.

The best way to clean your ass is to douche. Douching is the process of cleaning out your rectum with water.  Some men prefer to douche before anal sex, however with a healthy high-fibre diet, you’ll generally be sufficiently ‘cleaned out’; so it’s not necessary for enjoyable fucking. Click on the link below to read our “how to douche” guide.

• How To Douche