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Under Pressure

Don’t give in to pressure from men who want to have unsafe sex with you, or do anything you’re not happy about. You can say “No!” to anyone at any time when you’re having sex and you don’t have to explain yourself. If it doesn’t feel right to you, that’s enough. It’s your body and you make the rules.

You will meet guys who will put the hard word on you for all sorts of things, whether it’s doing something sexual you don’t like, or having unsafe sex. It can be hard to say “No” sometimes, you might feel like you have to go through with it now you’ve started.

Well you don’t. You can stop what is happening at any time and you don’t need to apologise for it. If it doesn’t feel right to you, then stop.

Maybe you’ve been seeing a guy for a while, and been using condoms, and he wants to stop using them with you, and puts emotional pressure on you, with stuff like “I just want to feel close to you” or “If you really trust me...” – this is emotional blackmail. Your happiness and your health come first, but sometimes it’s hard to be clear about this.

Sometimes guys feel like they have to give in because they’re worried he’ll leave them, and they won’t find another lover or boyfriend. It can be hard to stick up for yourself if you’re in that situation but that doesn’t matter as much as your health does.

If someone you know is putting you under pressure, talk to a friend about it, or call a phone counselling service such as 0800 OUTline. Often it’s good to get some outside perspective. If he really cares for you he won’t try and make you do something you don’t want to do. And if he doesn’t really care about what you want, why would you fuck him in the first place?

The Top 10 lines we hear

1. ‘Don’t you trust me?’

‘Because you care for me I know that it would be really hard to tell me you’d fucked someone else, that you’d had unprotected sex, and to be honest about everything else you might get up to.  Just like it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things.  Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.
 

2. ‘You’re the only one I do this with’

‘Come on, how many guys have you said that to?  You’re obviously not counting the guy I saw you with last week, or the friend you sometimes ‘see’ – the one you don’t count as a boyfriend.  If I’m so special you must want us to stay safe, right?’
 

3. ‘I haven’t got HIV – I tested negative’

‘But how many guys have you had unprotected anal sex with since your last test?  If we fuck without a condom now, are you still going to tell the next guy that you’re negative?  How can you know if you really are? If you want to come in me, put one of these on first.’
 

4. ‘It feels more natural’

‘We’re not talking about muesli here!  My health is more important to me than your pleasure.’
 

5. ‘It feels better without a condom’

(If you’re the bottom) ‘For you maybe, but a condom doesn’t make much difference to how it feels for me.  I’m being put at risk just so you can have a good time?  You’ll last longer with a condom and that’ll double my pleasure. With me it's no condom – no fuck.’

(If you’re the top) ‘You want me to fuck you without a condom?  You obviously get off on it. So I wonder how many other guys you’ve asked to do the same thing?  Bad boy!  No thanks, but if you want it inside you so much it’s much safer if I cum in your mouth.’
 

6. ‘I know you’re HIV positive, but the risk is low if I’m on top’

Wrong. Men who only ever top (do the fucking) get HIV because there is actually more HIV in rectal secretions (saliva-like fluids from the inside of your arse) than in either blood or semen. People once thought that tops were at little risk, but now we know better.
 

7. ‘We don’t need these’

‘Don’t dismiss my commitment to safe sex just like that! I don’t like my mind being made up for me by someone else.  There are two of us involved here and either we use condoms to fuck or do something else sexual instead.’
 

8. ‘It’s okay – I’ll pull out before I cum.’

'How will you know exactly when cum starts getting in my arse?  What about precum – there’s HIV in that too and inside my arse is a lot more vulnerable to the virus than in my mouth, and what about all the STIs that aren’t in cum?  If you put on one of these first you can cum in me.’
 

9. ‘Just this once’

‘When has it ever been just once?  If you’re suggesting it to me then you’ve probably done it with other guys as well.  Not once, not ever.  A condom or no fuck.’
 

10. ‘We don’t need to use a condom – I have an undetectable viral load’

‘Viral what?' Exactly – it’s as complicated as it sounds.  The blood of people with HIV is measured in a test to see how much HIV there is in it (the viral load).  HIV is still present in the blood but at a  low level (i.e. ‘undetectable’ to the test).  In fact, most people with ‘undetectable’ viral load will have HIV in their semen and rectal mucus, often in higher amounts than in their blood.  Undetectable  does not equal uninfectious.