All About Condoms
All about condoms
When used properly, condoms stop HIV. They also significantly reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) like chlamydia and gonorrhea, and help reduce the risk of other STIs like genital warts, herpes and syphilis.
Condoms work because the inside of your arse has a lining that’s like a sponge. When you use a condom, cum that carries HIV or an STI can’t be absorbed into that lining and your body. Condoms also stop ‘skin to skin’ transmission of some STIs.
Long ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones - cocks come in different shapes and sizes, and so do condoms. How do you know which condom is right for you? Experiment a bit. If they tear or split when you put one on, you probably need a bigger one. If they come off too easily you need a smaller one. Some guys are allergic to latex and for them, there are non-latex condoms available at chemists.
Doing it right
- Tear the serrated edge with your fingers (your teeth might damage the condom).
- Make sure the condom is up the right way before you put it on the end of your cock. If you start to put it on and find it’s inside out, throw the condom away. If you don’t, pre-cum that’s on the inside of the condom could make contact with your partner.
- Place the condom on the head of your erect cock and squeeze any air out of the tip. Roll the condom all the way down to the base of your cock. If you have a long foreskin, don’t pull it back because the condom may slide off when your foreskin slides back into place.
- Apply lube – and then go for it! After you’ve cum, hold onto the base of your condom when pulling out of him.
Condoms love lube
Use plenty of water based lube with latex condoms. Lube makes sex a lot more fun and helps stop the condom from breaking. If you have lube on your cock, wipe it off before putting a condom on. Definitely don’t use oil-based lubes like baby oil, Vaseline, or moisturiser with latex condoms because they perish latex and the condom will break.
If the free condoms available in gay bars and venues aren’t working for you, chemists and supermarkets carry a wide range – try some – jerk off in them, play with them, figure out which ones fit best and gives you the most pleasure. You can also buy condoms in bulk for $3 from your nearest sexual health clinic or Family Planning centre. A good fit means hot sex and keeps you safe.
All about sex.
Fucking and getting fucked are two of the most fun things many gay guys can think of. Some guys just aren’t into it, but many of us are. It’s also by far the most common way to get HIV if you don’t use condoms correctly, so be sure to Get it On!
If you’re being fucked for the first time, it’s important that you’re relaxed. It isn’t a race, so take your time. Foreplay includes the entire body – not just genitals – and arousal is gradual, not instant, especially before penetration.
You should never feel that you have to fuck or be fucked. For first timers, lying side by side is a good position to start with– or sitting on his cock, gradually lowering yourself onto it at your own pace. Apply lots of water-based lube to both the arse and condom-covered cock. Your anus is usually quite elastic and with patience will stretch comfortably. However, forced entry – “pushing past the pain” - can cause bleeding and tear your sphincter muscles. It may take 20 minutes or more – and several attempts – before your arse relaxes fully and gets used to the feeling of a cock inside it. If your partner is having trouble getting his cock in, push out slightly as he enters you (like you’re going for a crap). It’s generally a good idea to go to the toilet beforehand.
Give and take
Top or bottom, pitcher or catcher, these terms generally refer to whether you prefer being the insert-ive or the receptive partner in anal sex. Sometimes it pays to have these conversations before you start. Most guys know which one they prefer, but you should never feel pressured to do something you don’t want to. If you don’t like getting fucked, be clear about it. If you don’t like fucking, let him know. And of course plenty of guys love both! These guys are called switch or versatile.
Head down to the hole
Having your arse licked – or doing the licking – is a big turn on for some guys. If you’re into rimming then hygiene is obviously an important consideration. Avoid putting soap inside your arse as it interferes with your natural bacteria and can irritate sensitive membranes. If you want to lick someone’s arse, it’s safe in terms of HIV. There is, however, the risk of other infections, especially Hepatitis A. You can be vaccinated against Hep A and also B in the same shot – it’s called Twinrix and is available from your doctor.
In my mouth
Blow jobs (or oral sex) are hot, and are very low risk for transmitting HIV. If your mouth is healthy and has no cuts or ulcers then swallowing cum has an extremely low risk of passing on HIV. Of course not every guy likes to swallow, if you prefer to spit it out, go ahead – spit it into your hand, a tissue or his stomach. You don’t have to use condoms to stay safe when sucking cock - while it’s not a zero risk activity, sucking cock has an incredibly small risk of passing on HIV.
All about me.
The main reason guys enjoy getting fucked so much is it stimulates the prostate gland (or G spot), which is at the back of your rectum. The prostate is a real site of pleasure, but it’s somewhere that men need to pay attention to. Prostate cancer is a real concern for gay men, so it’s good to get your GP to check it once a year if you’re over 40.
Keep it clean
Douching is the process of squirting clean water up your arse to wash it out. A lot of guys like to douche out you don’t have to. If you’re worried about shit when you fuck a guy, condoms keep your cock clean. Douching can disturb the lining of your arse-hole and rectum, and make it easier to be infected by HIV and other STIs, so you have to make sure that whoever you’re playing with is using condoms and lube. You can buy specialised shower heads for the job, or simpler douche kits from chemists or sex shops.
Love your cock
Cocks come in all shapes and sizes, and like the rest of you will continue to develop until you are in your early 20’s. Keeping your cock clean, especially if you’ve got a foreskin, reduces the chance of general infection (and increases your chance of getting a blowjob!) All men should do monthly testicular self-examinations to check for lumps or abnormalities, these could be many things but cancer is a concern. Men over 40 should also have their prostate checked once a year. And remember that size isn’t everything – regardless of cock size men experience the same amount of pleasure. Love making is also a skill independent of cock size – it’s about respecting your partner and learning what they like, as well as what you like.
My, myself and I
Every guy wanks. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much, but we’ve all done it, because it feels good. It’s your body and your cock, and you know best how to please yourself. You know where you like being touched and what sort of pressure you like. Some guys like to finger their arse while they do it, some play with their balls. There are all sorts of tricks and ways to get the most out of it, but that’s something we all learn over time. Some guys love porn while they’re wanking, others like to make it up in their head; it’s all good. Take your time and relax in a comfortable place. Sometimes you will go for ages, others times you will cum fast – don’t worry, that’s normal.
Now it's two of us
Few things equal the pleasure and joy of giving and getting love and getting to know the man you love deeply over time. It’s still important to use condoms in a relationship. Many gay couples have open relationships where they fuck with others, but are emotionally involved only with their partner. Most of us aren’t that great at talking about sex easily and comfortably, especially if we’ve had unsafe sex outside the relationship. Love and trust won’t protect you from HIV if he’s been sleeping around but is too shy or guilty to tell you he slipped up. Protect yourself and the man you love by using condoms, every time. If a relationship isn’t working for you, you will need to be calm and clear about why you need to end it but don’t give in to pressure or emotional blackmail.
Every day guys hook up after messaging each other online. If you plan to meet someone, remember these things:
- Take your own condoms and lube. Even if you’re not planning to have anal sex, take them anyway, just in case
- Think about your boundaries before you meet - how far is too far for you?
- Meet in a public place like a cafe or bar the first time. You can move to a more private location once you’ve met him and feel OK
- Know how to answer “So what are you into?’. Be clear and assertive
- If things turn nasty, leave
- Plan how to get home, take money for petrol, cab or bus fare
- Have an excuse to leave ready in case you decide you’re not into him
- Tell a mate what you’re up to and where you’re going - at the very least leave a note saying when you’ll be back
- Ask a friend to check in (call or text) during your date
- Practice how to say this isn’t going to work for me”so you can leave if you need to
Be prepared to handle rejection or disappointment. Remember, neither of you are obliged to do anything you don’t want to, no matter what you may have been hoping for.
Picking and popping
Whether you’re picking up or using poppers, look after yourself - especially when you’re new to gay sex. Whether you hook up online, in a bar or at a beat, first of all make sure that it’s what you want. Never feel like you have to go through with it just because you’ve started or he’s really keen. Take your time, wait till it’s right for you and don’t give in to pressure from others. You always have the right to say ‘No, not now thanks.”Some guys like to use poppers (butyl or amyl nitrate) to relax their arse when they’re fucking. Just make sure you don’t mix poppers with Viagra because together they’re extremely dangerous. Any drugs and alcohol need to be used with extreme caution as some of the side effects of mixing drugs and sex can be dangerous. Drugs and alcohol can alter your judgment and give you a false sense of security and reality. Remember, staying in control is the best way of keeping yourself safe.
Quick and Steamy
Saunas and cruise-clubs, these are places where men go to fuck. They have one purpose: No strings sex. At a sauna, you check your clothes into a locker, get a towel, condoms and lube, and then relax in the steam, watch porn, or cruise and see if there is anyone there you want to have hot, sweaty fun with. More condoms and lube are usually near the entrance or mattress in each area.
Ready to cruise
At a cruise-club you pay your money, get condoms and lube, and generally leave your clothes on till you meet someone you want to get naked with. You walk around, see who’s there, who you think is hot, make your move and see what happens. Everyone, including you, is free to say “No thanks” in these places, and if they do, it’s polite to just move on. These places can be a lot of fun; you can have some great sex in a safe environment, and maybe even make some friends, but don’t go expecting to fall in love – that’s not what they’re for.
Sexuality, gender and coming out.
Sexuality is a deep and intrinsic part of every one of us and it develops over our whole life. Our sexuality affects who we are sexually attracted to and we cannot influence our sexuality any more than we can change whether we are left or right handed. Sexuality sits on a continuum and almost everyone is somewhere along it. Clumped around one end are the people who are mainly attracted to the opposite sex, scattered across the middle are those attracted to both sexes, and at the other end is everyone who’s attracted mainly to the same sex. Some people don’t experience any sexual attraction at all and sit outside of the continuum.
Ummm I'm gay
Coming out of the closet, or coming out, is the process of telling those around us about our different sexuality or gender identity. Deciding who to tell and when is something only you can know. Telling parents might be the hardest part about coming out depending on their values and personalities. Some parents will:
- Refuse to accept you for who you are
- Pretend that they haven’t heard what you said and that nothing has happened
- Find it funny
- Say they don’t mind, but only so long as your aunt/grandmother/neighbours don’t find out
But there are also many parents who will embrace you for who you are and will want to support you. In NZ there are groups of parents like PFLAG that are working to increase acceptance and reduce stigma for the gay people they love. Your friends may need a bit of time to get used to the idea, but if they’re real friends, they’ll stick with you. If they stop being friends with you because of your sexuality or gender identity, it’ll either be annoying or upsetting. Eventually they’re going to have to get their heads sorted out – you’re not the only gay man they’re going to meet. Sometimes you need to be careful with who you tell. If you think someone could harass, bully or assault you for saying you’re gay, then think carefully before you tell them. But there’s no reason you should have to run away or hide because of who you are. Once you’re out, there’s a whole new world of accepting guys who will support you and have hot sex with you as well.
X, Y and Me
Gender identity is your built-in sense of being male or female, not just what your body says you are. Transgender people have a persistent feeling that who they are is not in line with the body they were born in. Transgender people may be physically one sex but feel the opposite gender identity is actually what they are. For example, someone born with a male body but who feels female may identify as a woman or someone born with a female body but who feels male may identify as a man. Some people feel strongly that the male and female gender roles don’t fit them so they choose to identify as -genderqueer or androgynous instead. Gender-queer and androgynous identities give people the chance to fully express their gender in a non-conforming way that is true to themselves.
Being a minority group within a minority group offers its own challenges and advantages. Being takatāpui enables someone to be proud of their heritage and their sexual or gender identity. Takatāpui encompasses all Māori who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Rather than referring to a specific group, the word takatāpui reflects all the entire rainbow communities from a whānau perspective. The annual Hui Takatāpui is a chance for takatāpui to get together and build support within the community. For help telling whānau that you are takatāpui or to find out more about Hui Takatāpui visit getiton.co.nz/takatāpui and watch Tū Mai Takatāpui, a film that follows rangatahi on their journeys coming out.
V is for Viral
In NZ, most HIV infection happens between men having anal sex with men without a condom. If you’re a guy who’s into guys, remember that guys who have HIV don’t legally have to tell you before they have sex with you, so long as they use condoms and lube and don’t do anything to put you in danger. This means you can’t assume some guy you hook up with doesn’t have HIV just because you think “He’d tell me first” or “He’s so hot! – he can’t have HIV.” There are also guys who have HIV but don’t know it yet. You can’t tell by looking at someone, you can’t tell by age or how hot his body is; guys can carry HIV for years with no knowledge or symptoms. Safe sex is easy, and the best way to keep yourself free from HIV is to use a condom and water-based lube every time you fuck.
You need to test every 3 - 6 months if you’re very sexually active (fucking 2 or more guys a month) whether you have symptoms or not. If you only have sex from time to time an annual sexual health check-up is recommended. If you have symptoms you should receive a sexual health check-up from your doctor, local sexual health clinic, Family Planning clinic or nearest NZAF Centre. The NZAF also has counselling, therapy and testing services available across the country through a network of contracted counsellors and psychotherapists. To find a centre near you, call 0800 80 2437 or check nzaf.org.nz
Get It On
Get it On! is creating a condom culture in New Zealand to reduce the prevalence of HIV and work for better sexual health for all New Zealanders. Whoever you are, wherever you are, we’d love you to be a Get it On! Champion. This is your chance to make a difference. Being a Get it On! Champion is about having conversations with the people you know, love and support about using condoms and lube to have hot sex and keep safe. If you want to be someone who promotes Get it On! in your day-to-day life then send us an email at email@example.com
Zones to check out
Check out the rest getiton.co.nz for in-depth info on everything you’ve read here, as well as a video showing how to put on a condom (yes, with a real guy!) and we can send you free condoms in the mail! You can also follow us on facebook.com/getiton.nz and twitter @getiton_nz