Arse
Roughly (or gently) 4 out of 5 gay Kiwi men have had anal sex. But what is it exactly, how can I find out if it’s for me, how do I get prepared, and why is it such a bad idea to do it without a condom?
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So what is Anal Sex?
Anal sex is often thought of as fucking and nothing else. But the anus can be stimulated in other ways – by touching, licking, and fingering.
None of these is automatically foreplay for fucking – they can be arousing on their own. If you enjoy being finger-fucked, for instance, that doesn’t mean you then have to fuck or use sex toys. We all have limits – there’s no ‘automatic’ progression from one sexual act to another.
You are in control of what happens next. Safely explore your own limits – solo or with someone you trust.
Douching - a how to
Douching is the process of cleaning out your rectum with water. Some men prefer to douche before anal sex, however with a healthy high-fibre diet, you’ll generally be sufficiently ‘cleaned out’, so it’s not necessary for enjoyable fucking. Don’t forget that all the human sex organs are also rubbish outlets, there’s no need to get extra squeamish about the arse. For some men, shit’s just something that ‘comes with the territory’.
It’s best to only use warm water, as soap can damage the sensitive lining of the rectum. You can buy a douche kit from most sex shops, and they’re available in anal and vaginal versions but either will work fine. Shower hose attachments are also available. There’s a risk of sudden changes in water pressure and temperature with shower attachments because your rectum doesn’t sense heat, so it’s easy to burn yourself. Bulb-type douches are safer than shower hose attachments because you can control the flow of water.
Or you can try the DIY approach and use a drink bottle with a sipper top.
1. Gently place the tip of the nozzle against your anus and carefully slip it in (water-based lube will help!). Try not to clench and try breathing out as you insert it. Douches vary in length and you don’t need to put it all the way in, but far enough so that the water doesn’t run out.
2. Squeeze the bulb/bottle or turn the tap to let the water flow, for up to about 10 seconds (maybe less for your first time). The sensation of the water filling up will probably feel unusual at first.
3. Hold the water in for a few moments. Take a few breaths.
4. Expel the water.
5. Repeat until the water you expel runs clear (2-3 times should be enough)
Then shower and you’re ready to play! Some men like to wait awhile between douching and sex. This way you can be sure all the water’s drained out and allows the lining of your rectum re-adjust.
Douching is something you’ll get the hang of once you’ve done it a few times, a bit like sex really!
The case against anal douching is that it can irritate and/or damage the lining of the rectum, making you more susceptible to HIV infection if you don’t use condoms and lube every time you have sex. Using a condom and plenty of silicon or water-based lube is still far and away the best way to prevent HIV transmission, whether you douche or not.
There are some awesome books available and getting schooled up on your arse and how it works will help you to relax and enjoy all the hot fucking you want. We like The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent (where we read this neat summary).
Risky? Not with a condom
If you enjoy anal sex or want to try it, it’s important to remember that unprotected anal sex is by far the riskiest sexual activity, around 20 times riskier than vaginal sex. 1 in 15 gay men in Auckland have HIV, and this is how almost all of them got it.
Use a condom and water based or silicon based lube every time you fuck or get fucked. If you are HIV positive, wearing a condom and using water based or silicon based lube is essential. It prevents you from transmitting the virus to others. Safe sex also reduces the risk of STIs which are harder for a positive person’s immune system to deal with.
Exploring
If you’re not sure that your arse is something that you want to explore sexually, one way to begin is to experiment alone. Here’s a suggestion: after a shower or bath explore your body. When you’re wanking touch the area between your legs (behind your balls) and arse cheeks. Put lots of lube on your fingers and begin to feel the outside of your arse hole. Take your time. If it feels good, slowly slide a finger in. If your anus suddenly tightens, don’t be alarmed. It’s just an automatic response by a muscle called the sphincter.
The way to work around this is to penetrate the opening slowly with your well-lubed finger and then let the sphincter tighten. As soon as it tightens, pull your finger out again. Wait 30 seconds and then begin to finger your arse again – this time you’ll find it a lot easier.
If you liked a finger inside you, try something bigger – two or even three fingers, or maybe a dildo (start out small). Remember when you’re playing with your arse not to push objects all the way in – it can be extremely difficult to get them out again!
Also it’s important not to share sex toys (dildos, vibrators). If you enjoy finger-fucking that doesn’t mean that you have to fuck or start using toys. Every one of us has his own limits – there’s no ‘natural progression’ from one step to the next. Find your limits safely, on your own or with someone you trust completely.
