Sex and Words

Does it matter to you what words you use when you talk about sex? It does to some people, and of course, different words have different meanings or feelings attached to them.

But if you want to talk about sexual health, and things like HIV or the clap, then you need to find the words somewhere. Do you try and sound all technical and talk about your penis? Or talk about your cock? Do you talk about anal intercourse, or fucking? A blowie, or oral sex? You'd probably choose different words if you had to talk to your parents about it than you would with your mates.

So many options.

It seems pretty clear that in the first place we're just not very good at talking about what we do sexually in general, Straight, gay, male, female, or whatever combo suits you, we get lots of pictures that are sexy, lots of songs that talk about it; sex is all around us, but most people are pretty uncomfortable if they have to talk about it in an open way.

That makes sense too, because for most of us sex is one of the most private, special and intimate things we do. So it's not a surprise that it's not easy to talk about.

And the world of gay men is a very sexual place, and it can be confusing when you're just starting out. If you hook up with some hot guy, do you both have the same idea of what it means? For a lot of gay guys there's a real difference between having a fuck, and making love. Getting them confused can be hurtful.

Having a fuck, getting laid, getting your dick wet, whatever term you use, they all sound like you're out there having fun, just sex for the sake of sex, maybe with a fuck-buddy or with a total stranger you've picked up online or met in a club.

For most of us, making love sounds like something you do with your lover or partner. It's got that sense of emotion and love tied to it, so it has a different feeling.

Words like "promiscuous" get thrown around at gay and bi guys a lot, and it always has a negative, judgemental feel to it. It makes it sound like there is something bad with having lots of sex - but who decides just what "lots" of sex is? For a lot of straights, having more than five sexual partners in their entire lives would be rare, but that's not the case for most gay men. Is promiscuous ten or more guys in a lifetime? In a year? Ten or more in a month? And what's wrong with having lots of sex, if you take care of yourself and your partner? "Promiscuous" always ends up sounding like a judgement. You say promiscuous, I say sexually active. It depends how you see it. If you like sex, why not have more of it?

Some guys might only have sex with a lover for years; others might have sex with different guys two or three times a week, or even a night. Some guys are clear that they make love only to their partner, but they're happy to fuck with other guys. Some guys only have anal with men they love, see it as something special, but they're happy to wank or suck with strangers.

It's all pretty much up to you to work out and decide what feels right for you and your body. You might be the sort of guy who only enjoys sex when you're making love with a partner, you might have no interest in pick-ups, and that's fine. Or you might be the sort of guy who enjoys sex just for the sake of it, you like to fuck for the fun of it, and that's ok too.

Sex, fucking, making love, whatever word works best for you, is one of the great joys of life.

What really matters isn't how often or how little you do it, but how well you look after yourself and your partner. So being able to talk about just what it means to you, and what you want to do or have done to you helps make it a better experience all round. And it helps make it a safer experience too.

Whatever words you do use, remember that it's your body, and your health and your life, so never feel like you have to give in to pressure from another guy, no matter how fucking hot and sexy he is. If you don't want to do it, then say so.