So many of us say we "just want a boyfriend" yet so many of us seem to have such a hard time getting one. It’s pretty much the norm these days to meet new guys online, and the emphasis there is often on getting laid, no matter what the site is called. It seems the same if you meet someone in a bar or a club; the atmosphere isn't really set up for getting to know each other, it's about getting a fuck.
Of course there's nothing wrong with that, but you know what, it raises an interesting question; how do we find hot sex and a meaningful relationship?
We all know how easy it is to get distracted by the fun of casual sex (and it can be a lot of fun) and miss out on the deeper emotional connection you need to start a relationship.
The gay world, with our clubs, saunas and bars is set up to access sex so easily, but that doesn't mean you have to behave like a horny rabbit. In fact, a lot of guys don't find this side of gay life suits them at all. If you've been out on the scene and been fucking around, you'll know that slightly weird feeling after a great sexual encounter - you discover you have nothing to say to the guy you've just had a mind-blowing orgasm with. Sex is a lot of fun, but it's not love, and love is something we all want, right?
If you’re nodding your head right now, here’s a thought; maybe it's time to change tact. It might sound corny, but the old-fashioned ‘date’ really can work. If you really want something more than a good root, maybe try holding back when you meet an interesting guy. Try not to have sex on the first date, or the second, or maybe even the third. You need to be clear that this is what you are after. A lot of us are so used to having fun that it's actually a bit hard to break the habit of meeting a guy and getting naked, but waiting a bit and getting to know each other can change the dynamics of it all. And hey, you can still fuck later on!
Dating does take some confidence; you're agreeing to go and meet a total stranger and see if you like each other. It’s scary as hell, but that's no reason not to do it. And going out for a date means just that - you're out for a date, getting to know each other.
So, how do you find someone to go on a date with? We’re a minority; there aren't as many of us so that means we have to look harder. Noisy bars and clubs are probably not the best place to start; you can't talk, there are too many distractions and it's too easy to get pulled back into the "quick fuck" mentality. If you’re giving online dating sites a go try clicking past the guys with a cock pic as their profile image, and be really clear that you are seriously after meeting guys, not merely hooking up. Another option is to spread the word; tell your friends that you're on the lookout. Some of the best matches are made through mates. The one that most of us find really hard is walking up to someone we don't know and asking them out. It takes a lot of guts, but it can work. And hey, the worst thing that can happen is he says "no thanks". There’s also every chance he could say “sure!”. You might have a coffee and agree that you don't really have much of anything in common - and that's fine, don't take it as a rejection of who you are. And here’s a tip; if you both agree on a time limit, then there is less pressure if you can tell it isn't working, and if it is working, you can extend it. Take each step as it comes.
The big challenge is getting yourself out there in the first place. If you’re not into ‘the scene’ there are all sorts of other non-scene gay social groups you can get involved with. There are gay youth groups, sports teams, tramping groups, gay bridge clubs, and gardening groups for example. Meeting guys through dinners or BBQs with friends is another option. They all provide a less stressful and less sexually driven way to meet and get to know other guys.
Sex is awesome. Not many would disagree. And there is certainly nothing wrong with having a raging sex life if that’s what you’re into right now. Heck, we can supply all the condoms and lube you need! But if you really want that elusive boyfriend - that guy you’re meant to be with - you might just have to change the way you’re looking.